Comfort

I want to rant about feeling comfort, or being comfortable in random, every day acts of life. Finding comfort from someone, offering it to someone else, or feeling comfortable in what you do every day.

I have found that I don’t really like the phrase “out of your comfort zone”. It makes me feel like you’re about to hit some time-warp-headed-for-disaster sort of thing. Like whatever you are about to attempt is going to make you feel annoyed, bothered, or scared to the point of peeing your pants. Great, right?

Not so much.

Rightly so, why wouldn’t you gravitate towards something that actually made you feel good? Why not attempt to do that? That sounds way better then having an accident…

Well, what if what you REALLY want to do is only attained by doing something slightly lame or taxing beforehand, as a stepping stone.

Yeah. That is what I’m talking about.

The nitty-gritty “ugh, I don’t want to do this… but I know that it will help me in the long run… ugh… whine… whine more…”

I really believe that this whole concept is a continual cycle, set up by Jesus, to make us help each other out. There will always be someone you know that is in the “icky” phase attempting to achieve the “comfortable” phase. And you, yourself, I’m sure, have been there, too. So, finding a way to comfort and offer support for someone else may one day lead to receiving it in return.

See the cycle?

Yeah. Me too.

So what is it that I really want to say on this topic of comfort?...

I guess it’s just to be aware. You never know how much you can change someone’s day by replying in a nice tone and taking an extra few minutes to listen to a story (that you really could care less about) but will put a smile on their face.

Who knows!  You’ll probably have a lame story to share tomorrow as well.

Cheers to Wednesday! May everyone make it over the dreaded mid-week hump. 

Loss

Today was just another day for me. Same old Friday. Went to work. Did some Christmas shopping. Overall uneventful.

For over 30 families out east, today will be a day that is never forgotten. A day that changes everything. A loved one lost, a family forever less then whole. Holiday celebrations completely trashed. Future birthdays never to be celebrated in a way that is tangible and exciting.

Loss.

I almost lost it at work today. My throat constricted and my eyes welled up. The pain of loss was very apparent and it was hard to breathe as I read the news. I had a hard time finishing the day without being a total space cadet. My heart hurts. It brings me back to the unexpected terror of knowing that a special person in your life will never be coming back. The raw, paralyzing pain of despair.

It makes me sick.

I want to say that I couldn't believe something so awful could happen. But it did. And it has before. And it will again in the future. This world is never going to stop being awful. It will only deteriorate more until Christ comes to take us home to Him.

So what the heck do we do in the mean time? What can possibly be said to rationalize the murder of little children?

Nothing really comes to my mind.

All I know is that I will be praying, really hard, for the families out east. The ones who will now be living the rest of their lives without getting to see their child grow up.

I hope you will pray for them, too.

Honesty

Theme. This has been the theme of the last week. And it’s ridiculous how many things can be revealed when you look at them… honestly…

I strive to be an honest person. But the key word in that phrase is ‘strive’, meaning it doesn’t always happen. The moment you give up the clarity that comes with being honest, is the moment you will regret whatever happens next. I feel like I’m speaking slightly in code… but I think you know what I mean.

Turning your eyes away from a situation that you don’t want to deal with and rationalizing that situation in your head to turn it in your favor, doesn’t really ever bring true peace. It just prolongs the truth from revealing itself, thereby creating new issues until you are knee deep in a lie (not necessarily a fabrication, but a situation that you really don't want to be a part of), begging for someone to figure it out so you can be set free.

Now, throughout this last week I cannot pinpoint major instances that I have been telling lies (I know, you’re all waiting for juicy secrets to be revealed), but by thinking about what I wanted to rant about this week, honesty and truth came to mind.  Hoping to maybe inspire myself and others to find a way to tell the truth, let go of something that maybe has been weighing on your mind.

Ok, example:

I spoke with an old friend of mine this week, one that I haven’t spoken to since like 2007. I know, crazy blast-from-the-past reconnection!!! Anyways, there were a couple of points that we touched on that completely shot holes through my own perceptions of, and got me thinking about, my family in a different perspective, my job in a new light, and how where I’m living really makes me feel.

I didn’t sugar-coat anything during that conversation. Just straight up BOOM

TRUTH.

And in my opinion, you have to do that every once in a while to get a grasp-on and savor the beautiful life that you are walking through.

Without it, unique experiences and renewed perspective on the same-old, same-old may never happen.

So, go ruminate on your life and find little nuggets of awesomeness that you might not have thought existed this morning.

Cheers

In the dark

Ok. A few words on night running. In a neighborhood full of dogs, never run without a headlamp. You will for surely get eaten.

I had an epic adventure last night as I was cruising through the cul-de-sacs of my happy little neighborhood. Unfortunately, this is not because I had an amazing running buddy by my side, or because I helped an old lady cross the street in the dark, or because I face-planted in the moonlight. (I know you were all waiting for that one)

Nope. It became epic when I started getting chased by multiple dogs, while simultaneously being barked at to the point of irrational fear. In the dark.

Yes, I know I should not have been wearing all black as to impersonate a stealth ninja, and yes, it was my fault for not wearing my headlamp. But come on, does that really mean that I have to be tackled, growled and barked at for running near the beasts? I didn’t really want to stealthily capture all the doggies in the neighborhood, I swear.

Yet I supposedly gave off a strong, “eat me” odor to about 7 different dogs during my run. Yes, 7. I counted. 4 yellow lab-ish looking dogs, 1 very angry terrier looking thing, and 2 fluffy-punt-me-if-you-can squirrelly pups. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. But for some reason, since I’m invading their territory by running, they bound towards me in return with fangs bared looking to devour my calves. And with all my endorphins and nerves amplified, the incessant barking and growling makes me want to scream slightly hysterically and flee… fast.

I did, however, make it home in one piece. No limbs were eaten. But I learned an epic lesson:

Wear a headlamp in the dark (duh) and when you don’t, run really fast.

Happy Thanksgiving week! Hope everyone has an amazingly awesome time eating food, watching football, and napping!

Oh, and most importantly, say thank you to Jesus for allowing you to do so.

Cheers

Bored

The feeling of accomplishment never lingers as long as you think it should.

Working on a project, doesn’t matter what it is, can make any lame day purposeful. Yet, finishing that project and still having to trudge on, now project-less, just sort-of sucks. The days don’t seem as meaningful and the ever hated question, “What am I doing?” rolls around in my mind wrecking havoc on my bored soul. Needless to say, it’s not really a delightful pick me up…

Why can’t I be content with the daily grind?  (I know, kind of a stupid question)

This question has plagued my heart for the last year. This is a struggle-fest that I’m developing a hefty loathing for because I honestly can’t figure it out or make it go away. I have a desire to be involved in work that means something, or is creating/developing change for someone else. Technically, I’m doing that, but entering data into the computer doesn’t help me maintain any self-worth. Totally just makes me feel like a monkey that anyone could come and replace with another monkey and no one would know what happened.

Bleh. That is morosely negative and depressing.

Anyways, you know what I mean. Boring job + no project = too much time to think

So, I’m sure you’re screaming by now, “GET A PROJECT GOING THEN!” I know. This phrase is shouting in my head constantly when I’m in my pajamas at 7pm watching Scrubs on Netflix. (yeah, I totally just said that) But I’m being stubborn and particular about which projects I want to do. Now isn’t that just stupid… Especially since divulging into pretty much ANYTHING at the moment will help satiate my bored soul with meaningfulness.

I have a phrase taped up in my cubicle. It goes something like this:

"Dream big, DAGNABBIT. Then, get off your tuckus and take action daily."

I need to duct-tape this to my forehead, I think. Then, everyone who comes near me can read it off my face and maybe I will become motivated when the 10^th person tells me to get off my tuckus and DO SOMETHING.

Ok, I think I just found myself a project…

Cheers to Wednesday. Hope everyone makes it over the hump.

Live for Him

I don’t feel like I am living my life for Christ on a daily basis.

TRUTH.

Why not? What is holding me back from giving up my life to serve Him?

My own thoughts and ambitions. Simple as that. I am trying to figure out what “my career” should be, and while doing so, I am turning everything inward on MYSELF.

THIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG.

TRUTH.

Christ is asking me to put all of my confidence in HIM to live each day. ALL OF MY TRUST. Not in my money, not in my job, not in my food, not in my drink, not in my running, not in my writing, not in my own brain power, not in my own ANYTHING.

I need to devote my LIFE to HIM.

I am struggling with this concept, hard core. It is not easy for my brain to wrap around it anymore. I once grew up believing that I was walking in Christ’s footsteps every day, because I was surrounded by many Christians who believed the same things I did, so I had no reason to think I wasn’t living my life for Christ.

But now, I live and work in an environment that is SO NOT OF MY SAME FAITH. This may sound ridiculously obvious, but is now sticking out to me like a sore thumb. Not in the sense that I am any better than anyone for believing that Jesus is my Savior. No. What is clearly sticking out to me is how I’ve decided to “blend-in” and “go with the flow” on daily matters and interactions in my office space when I could be witnessing. Am I living and acting in a way that anyone would think I am a Christian? Would they be able to set me apart and say to themselves after they have had a conversation with me, “I know she is a believer”.

If I was to be honest with myself, and this makes my heart HURT, they might not think so.

A co-worker of mine found out I was a Christian via my blog. Not because I had been getting to know her better for the last couple months.

This is like a Homer Simpson “DOH” moment times ten, where I slap my palm to my forehead in a disgusted tone. REALLY? I’ve been acting that ridiculously stupid at work, that in my own daily actions, this person couldn’t tell I was a Christian? They had to learn I was via the internet?

UGH.

COMPLETE LAME SAUCE FAILURE.

So now is the time for a RADICAL change of my every day actions.

Christ did not come to this earth to set up a “religion” of people to practice prayers and sing songs in a certain way. No.

Christ came to earth to set up His Kingdom.  

Going against the grain to live a life for Christ is never, ever going to be easy. It shouldn’t be. He is asking us to pursue Him in a way that is completely backwards to whatever majority says.

So, I want to look myself in the mirror EACH MORNING and remember that I am saved by the grace of God and LIVE AND WORK each day accordingly.

I repeatedly act like an insanely stupid Christian, yet I am still saved.

HOW FANTASTIC IS THIS LOVE HE HAS FOR ME!!!???

The morning after...

So this weekend... I hung out in the woods for a while and ran around a bit... 32 miles later, I finished a task that to me had always seemed rather impossible.

Well, hello there ultramarathon! It's nice to meet you...

I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into. When a good friend of mine said that we should do the Wild Duluth 50k together, I immediately said, "WOOOO! Yes please!" and then sort of forgot about it because I was really just going along with the insane idea during the car ride. Ha.

But of course, the thought stuck with me. What would it be like? The Hercules "Go the Distance" song came to mind- "I can go the distance, I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong. I know every mile will be worth my while"...

STOP.

REMIX.

Around mile 28 it went something like:

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?!!!!!!!!????" and

"THIS IS BY FAR THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO DO. EVER!!!"

Needless to say, my body was desperate to stop. No more cookies, peanut butter sandwiches, grapes or Mountain Lightning (yes, this is a trail race, Mountain Dew is too 'high class') were going to make me feel like going any farther. Bless my crew-woman, "Just a 5k, Andrea, all you have left is a little more then a 5k". And I'm completely thinking, "5K MY ASS" "I don't want to run anymore, who wants to run anymore?"

But I couldn't stop. I had to finish. I was not about to let 5 and a half hours of trail running go down the tubes...

OH, BUT IT HURT SO BAD

Somehow, I chugged a little more Mountain Lightning (barf, but it was the 'nectar of the gods' on Sat.) and waddled up to Enger Tower, because it was all down-hill from there...

One would think down-hill would be great by then! WOOO HOOO. Rollll it down-hill! Heck yes!

Ah, not so much. It felt more like stabbing knives in my quads. Or like a 3 year old pushing really hard on a purple bruise on your leg and laughing because it makes you double over in pain. Yeah, something like that.

But I made it. Stumbled down the hill and crossed the finish line in Bayfront. I had two great friends there to congratulate me on finishing. No huge throngs of people. No loud cheering. Just a few happy faces and the volunteers for Bentleyville watching on with crazed looks on their faces...

And the joy of running became completely apparent as I woke up on Sunday and couldn't move.

Literally. Looked from side to side as I'm face down in my pillow and thought to myself, "I can't get up" Like the movie "The Christmas Story" where the younger brother is wrapped up in 3 snow-suits and can't put his arms down and when he gets outside, he falls over and is rolling all over the ground and yelling to Ralphie, "I can't get up!! Ralphie, I can't get up!" Yeah. Something like that...

Suits me right. I kind of asked for it...

I just love running

Cheers!

Go do something you've never done and be happy about it

Real Food

I have been reading the book “In Defense of Food” by Michael Pollan. It is quite awesome and if you ever get the chance to read it, please do. I think you will find yourself enlightened.

I did at least.

It is all about how our food has become processed to the point of not being ‘food’ anymore, but rather ‘food products’ because of the added ingredients coming from mostly corn and soybeans.

Sad. And gross.

It makes me want to flee the city, buy a small house with lots of acres, run my own organic farm, and live off the grid in happy-contented-hippie solitude.

Yeah, I know. The hippie thing. I need to let it go. But I just don’t want to. My idea of hippiedom does not involve any growing of a certain plant associated with that era. I do like long skirts, basically because they feel like pajamas, and I will occasionally flash a peace sign to strangers who honk their horn at me while I’m running.

The real reason why I have an internal desire to be a hippie is because I associate it in my mind to some sort of living freedom. Freedom from the confines of my lame cubicle walls, lame desk job, and everything else related to working for a huge conglomerate corporation that is slowly sucking the life out of me. 

Yep. Living on a farm sustaining myself with nature sounds WAY BETTER!

So, I leave you with this:

‘Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.’

I feel our entire nation would be happier if we at least tried to abide by those rules.

Cheers to Friday! May your weekend be filled with some epic version of good, nurturing, soul food. 

Pace

Let it be known that I love Mumford and Sons. I would gladly feed their pet dogs or turtles (if they have any) in exchange for hearing them play live. Yes. I would. Don’t judge me.

As it so happens, their new album came out last week and I have been listening to it constantly since Sept. 25th when I received it in the mail, at work, because I pre-ordered it that way. Again, I love Mumford and Sons.

Because I've been listening to it straight for the last week, all of the songs are on repeat in my brain whenever I am not listening to them. The only time this occurs is when I am running, because I like listening to nature when I run. Well, nature sounds have taken refuge for a different day in the future when the Mumford songs in my head have taken a break. (who knows when that will be) Anyways, I digress. The moral of my story is that whatever I have been doing for the past week has been done while Mumford is blasting loudly in my ears with our without headphones.

Yesterday was no different. Every Wednesday for a few weeks in the fall, there are trail races that take place all over Duluth. You pay $1 and run a race, ranging from 3 miles to upwards of 6 miles. THIS IS THE BEST USE OF YOUR MONEY IN DULUTH. In my opinion, at least. :) And so, being that it was Wednesday yesterday, I got to run in the woods with friends and at the same time, have Mumford on repeat.

The race was in a little nature area by the UMD campus. One that has forever been used for 5k’s promoting spring and fall health to the many college students. I’ve ran the course a few other times. It has usually kicked my behind because they make you run 2 laps in this nature area while scaling the same mountain hill, twice. I don’t like running laps, because what usually happens to me is that I blast through the first lap, and die a slow running death during the second lap. Yeah. Painful.

Except that last night was different. I had just finished a ridiculously stupid day at work and had a bit of pent-up energy. I bicycled to the race, was good and warm, had an amazing cheering section there for me, and took off when they said ‘go’. I didn’t think about the lame hills ahead. I just paced myself to what felt good. I paced myself to the music of Mumford. And when I was racing up the mountain hill (twice) and all the blood was running to other parts of my body, which left me deaf in one ear, (yes, really, I lose hearing in my right ear when I’m running as hard as I can) I made it to the top without stopping. Because I was pacing to the beautiful music of Mumford. Bless them.

I hope all of you have a band that makes you just as happy. If you don’t, start listening to Mumford. They will make your heart happy.

I promise.

Really, go now, and check out their new album. Especially tracks 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 12.

Cheers!

Today

When I first took my job, I vowed to never become de-sensitized. I did not want to lose perspective on what I thought was meaningful or difficult for someone else.

I work in a cancer department.

How naïve can I get??!!!

Yes, I guess I have become a bit de-sensitized. It is the only way to continue living without sobbing in my cubicle every day. I do not want to lose myself in the midst of crazy, heart-wrenching tragedy that sweeps through the office every day. It hurts too much to bear the load of other patients and families grief, much less my own.

Because life is not fair. This truth is made evident to me when a patient of only 20 years passes away in his sleep because the cancer infesting his body was too strong. Jesus took him home, where he definitely belonged. And then right in my cube, I broke down as I started to think about the family who had just lost someone. A family who is so happy to have their son home with Jesus, but so devastated because it means they have to live without him. That pain is too close to my heart. I want to wrap them all up in a blanket of peace, for that is what I always wished for when I was young.

Peace from the pain.

It is a stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of moment. Where else can you be reminded of the fleeting days of this earthly life so regularly? Please, someone else give me an example…

I know, I’m getting too deep. A little dark, perhaps.

I just have to write it out. Put these feelings into space because they are too much for me to carry alone in my heart. Jesus wants us to look to Him for strength and guidance during these times of tragedy and still during times of happy pleasure. 

Well, today is an icky one. And I am looking to Him to get me through again until tomorrow, when the light will rise up from over the lake and shed a beautiful new day upon my soul.

Cheers to those already with Jesus! 

Humming...

My weekend supremely trumped last weekend by a bajillion.

I finally got into the woods! HECK YES! (I know, I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my beloved woods… too bad…) And it was absolutely gorgeous. Sunshine. Colorful trees. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Hammock. Stars.

Ahhh, the luxurious-ness of being away from people.

So, what does one do in the woods by themselves?

Well…

I hiked about 19 miles on Saturday. I just kept moving. I didn’t really want to stop. It was like my body’s way of releasing so much tension from the past couple months and the only way to satisfy the craving for relaxation was… more hiking! (ba dum…chink!) And the only way to keep myself from getting spooked was just to exhaust myself to the point of collapsing at the end of the day so I wouldn’t worry about being mauled by a large beastly animal. This is very much a true statement.

And what do I think about with that much ‘me’ time?

This is the cool part.

Everything and nothing. First, random life-happenings start shooting through my brain, (my worries and cares of my life and the people I love) but I acknowledge each thought and throw it out of my head. Really. That is what happens. It’s a funneling process of de-bulking the heavy load of regular life from my mind, not forgetting about it, but dealing with each item and letting them go.

When everything channels through, (it doesn’t take as long as you think) that is when the humming starts. The real beautiful music of the woods. You can hear SO much stuff! By letting go of those intermittent real life thoughts, nothing clogs the beautiful music of nature. It’s incredible. I know I sound like a hippie-dippie-tree-hugger… but it’s so true.

It’s when I feel most connected to what God is really asking of me here on earth. I cannot change what goes on in my life from day to day nor can I change other people’s lives from day to day. And when I finally get myself into the trees, and release the tension of what I am trying to fix on my own, I get the best sense of ‘giving it up’ to Him. For He is the one who has my best interests in mind with every decision that is made.

Pretty sweet, right?

That is why I love the woods. They always bring me back to Jesus. 

Rain trek

My itch to engorge myself in the wooded bliss of the north shore has been present since early this summer. I finally had the chance to fill up my pack with goodies, my sleeping bag, and my hammock and high-tail it into the woods after so many weekends of... not.

During my ride up the shore, I know this sounds extremely cheesy, but I, in all meaning of the phrase, 'let my hair down'. In all honesty, my forehead relaxed and I was laughing to myself in delight because of the shear amount of relief I was feeling. The sun was coming up over the lake and it was so beautiful. I was ridiculously pumped to grab my pack and fly right into glorious nature.

The minute I parked at one of the trail parking lots, I picked up my bag and set off with dreams of happy trails and hammock reading and oatmeal eating in the cool morning and the smells of all that is good in nature.

Fifteen minutes later, with visions of trees dancing around in my head...

It started pouring.

And continued to pour for the next two hours...

Oh my goodness I was so sad. I was getting completely soaked and the only thing I could think about was how I wanted to continue hiking for the next 8 hours.

Hmmm, then I got to a clearing and looked over the trees to see a massive array of grey clouds. Not helping.

That is when I actually started thinking about what I wanted to do. Keep blazing ahead and magically make the rain stop? And then at the end of the day, string up my hammock in the rain and die of hypothermia? Or... turn back now and drive back home in the rain and... live.

I chose the latter. Obviously.

Although I didn't get to satisfy my true desires of relishing in the goodness of God's beautiful creation for the majority of my weekend, I still got to enjoy a four hour hike in the woods. Better then nothing.

Some day I will be a swift, hunter/gatherer living deep within the wooded lands of the north and I will pop out on occasion to get things like... toilet paper...

I can only dream for now.

Until then, cheers to the rains not finding you! ;)

I clicked Submit

I finished my medical school application last night. I reviewed it for the bazillionth time and actually submitted it. Crazy. Just crazy. The waiting game begins…

I enjoyed some homemade margharita pizza (basil, mozzarella, and tomato pizza) and popped some champagne. Yes, champagne. One of the doctors I work with had given me some after I took the MCAT the first time, and I hadn’t popped it yet. Sooo, yesterday I definitely enjoyed some fizzy beverage, in my pajamas. Felt great. Felt blessed.

But I realized after I sent it in that this is all just the beginning. This process means so much to me, but is also very insignificant in the whole medical school expedition I’m currently on. It could be that no one even looks at the information that I have been working on for the past 9 months. NO ONE. Because the schools have already chosen who they want, and I am too late or just too far down in the pile.

I could let all of that bug me, but I knew the arbitrary judgment was a part of applying
and I wanted to do it anyways. So don’t let me whine. Ever.

One more thing… I clicked Submit to Christ yesterday, too. That is what really drove home the feeling of relief I experienced. None of this ‘choosing’ process was or is ever going to be in my hands. I cannot work on the application anymore. I cannot change what I have written, even if I’ve made typos or should have said this or that. It is in Jesus’ awesome hands. I’ve submitted my future into His hands.

Humbling stuff, dude. Insanely humbling. And I am just so glad to have support from my family and friends to keep going. Because this really could all lead to nothing. Ha. God might not want me to try and be a doctor. He might want me to do something else entirely! But that is what keeps me humble. Keeps my trust in Him, because I never know what the heck I’m doing, but He does. ;)

So, cheers to Friday! And cheers to everyone who has supported me and dealt with my
crabby/stressed self at times! Woo hoo!

I owe you all lots of cookies and sunshine and rainbows.

Happy

I took the MCAT again today. I felt pretty horrible afterwards. Disgruntled, because I thought it would have been easier. Sad, because I thought I did worse then last time. Then I called my parents.

How can it be that they can talk you through anything? How do they know what to say? When you feel like everything is just a pile of poo, they can say a few words to turn it back around. They lead you to realize the truth and help you find peace again. 

It just boggles my mind. I want their intuition. I want their all-knowing hearts. Their experience repeatedly trumps mine because they have so much more ground gained ahead of me. Their willingness to listen and offer reassurance that things will be ok is just tremendous.

My parents are awesome. They comfort and love and give of themselves for me, regardless of how I behave in return. They support and guide and help, even when I don't deserve any of those things.

To do all of that, with minimal thanks sometimes in return, is unfathomable. 

I have so much more growing up to do. But soooo glad I have two amazing people to help me along the way.

Love you, my parents. Thanks for putting up with a crazy girl trying to do crazy things. 

Procrastinating

I am having a hard time finishing my personal statement. It is driving me nuts. I want to chuck my computer out of the window and say good riddance.

Seriously, I have a nice computer. There is no reason I should chuck it.

Oh my goodness. WHINE. I am whining. UGH.

I want to put together something that is compelling. Something that will stand out and make the admissions council think to themselves, "I WANT TO TALK TO THIS WOMAN". (yes, just like that)

But I am not finding the right words. Believe me, I have found many other words to insert into the end of my statement like, "pick me", "I'm not stupid, I swear", and "you know you really want my money" but none of these phrases have the correct tone I am looking for...

So what do I do? How can I put into words the true meaning of why I want to practice medicine? It entangles so much more of my soul then simple words. There are big time emotions going on inside. "I love science" or "I want to help people" just doesn't cut it.

Oh geez.WHINE. whining.

I choose to procrastinate and blog instead. Yes, I am sure whining to the public will help immensely...

Happy Saturday to everyone else who is currently sitting on the couch

Gatherings

Family gatherings are weird and awkward. Always. You cannot hide from your great aunt Bertha. She will find you. As well as your great uncle Bob. They will both proceed to ask you what you are doing with your life. Multiple times. 

Oh my. How I just want to flee extended family gatherings, sometimes. The "I'm going to sit in this chair and watch people" card usually gets played on my end... 

It's just that phase of life I'm in, I guess. Not married, not in school, and working a job that no one has heard of... Oh joy. The awkward life phase. I would not trade it, for I am learning more and more about myself everyday, but it doesn't lend itself towards fun and exciting relative-engaging conversation. 

I would really just like to be watching the Olympics. All the time. 

But I love my family. I do! Really, I do! It's just when your 20 year old cousin gets married and all of the cousins have to get together to take a picture and you realize you're the oldest and the last time you saw some of them, they were in diapers... You might just then wonder, "What am I DOING here?"

Oh well.

I'll just keep looking ahead to maybe less-awkward conversations some time in the future...

Cheers to Saturday, everyone!

Cavity

The dentist scares me.

I actually feel a bit better now that I have admitted that...

Anyways, I've always been nervous that the next time I go they will tell me my teeth are rotting out of my face and I will be toothless by 30. Why I feel like that, I don't know... Because they use sharp drills on a regular basis and charge you lots of money for it??? Maybe...

Well, I went today and I am alive to tell the tale. The dentist was super nice and didn't make me feel too awful for having a cavity. But he did tell me that he could fashion a Scarlet Letter C for me, if I really felt that guilty. Ha. No thanks! I'll pass.

Maybe I'm just happy I conquered a fear of mine. Not that I can do anything fantabulous now because I went to the dentist, (except I can chew on the left side of my mouth without pain! heck yeah!) but I am really not afraid to go back, if need be. Hooozzzaaahhh!!

And that makes me superbly happy. Erasing fears. Something I should make a part of my day, every day.

Do something that you are afraid of today, because you might not be afraid of it tomorrow.

Cheers

Here is my article of the week: http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/25/opinion/hatch-taxes/index.html

Sad Heart

I cannot believe what I read in the news today. My heart hurts. I do not understand.

Here is the article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/20/us/colorado-theater-shooting/index.html

If you have not already read, a 24 year old man went into a movie theater in Colorado and shot 12 people, injuring close to 40 or more. The youngest injured being a 3 month old baby.

Every moment we have here on this earth is precious.

My thoughts and prayers will be with the families.

Biking

Oh my gosh, I’m a terrible biker. I feel like I may have discussed this before, but it needs to emphasized. However, the fact that I’m a terrible biker just makes me laugh, because currently, I’m commuting to work… on my bicycle…

I mean, it is a great source of physical activity! Without meaning to, you get an extra workout in for the day. Especially when you live in Duluth and work down by the lake, yet live on a hill far, far away from the lake. The bike ride home will be one full of agony, hills, maybe some tears when you fall over trying to balance yourself on the bike at a major intersection with lots of cars, and sweat. BOOYAH, extra workout. And then that beer I have for dinner will just balance everything out nicely…

I haven’t gotten honked at yet, that is probably a good thing.

And biking just makes me happy. Zooming down these hills helps me appreciate my body in an entirely different way then running. I passed a few cars going down Woodland Ave this morning. I do not care how fast you are, you cannot do that while running. I just kept thinking about my lungs and my legs too. They work. I can push the limits of my physical strength pretty far.

So, what if I couldn’t bike anymore? What if I couldn’t run anymore? What if my physical strength and ability were gone?

That is what I thought about when I got to work today. WHOA. DEEP THOUGHT.

I grew up with a sister who did not have the physical strength to do many things. And it boggles my mind how I can still be so selfish and unappreciative of the gifts God has given me sometimes. My legs and my lungs are amazing gifts.

I cannot forget that.

Maybe that is why I go for a run in the morning when I’m half asleep and I bike to work even though I stink at it. At least I am using these gifts of mine.

Go do something active, and try to smile when you’re doing it.

People will think you are up to something 

Here is my article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/11/opinion/opinion-rauf-khan-islam-women/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

Jammin'

Mosh pit? Does anyone realllllyyy like a mosh pit? I feel like the answer is no. Well, maybe you don't like them if you would rather live in the woods... too close to people... too much personal space, gone... 

Tonight, I was at the epic Basilica Block Party in St. Paul. I came for friendship and for enjoying some good tunes together. It did not disappoint. The weather turned out to be great. Happy, swaying people. Bobbing along to the music. So nice. 

UNTIL...

Everyone started getting crazy. I swear I had a large sign that said, "Please walk in front of me. Please form a line, and continue to walk in front of me, no matter where I am among the pack of people." I also think I had one that said, "Tall men, come stand in front of me so I can't see ANYTHING" 

Yep. 

But it still was hilarious. Girls dancing in long dresses, slightly tipsy but singing loud. Couples swaying together to the music. Kids on adults shoulders. (p.s. WHO BRINGS THEIR CHILDREN TO A DRUNK MUSIC FEST??) And tall dudes with big muscles pretending like they knew how to dance. It was great. :)

Chill and relaxing. I mean, who doesn't like Train? Heck yeah! 

Cheers to Friday. Yay for beating the heat. 

Here is my article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/06/politics/jobs-report-voters/index.html

Smelly

When is it ok to just stop and smell the roses? In Duluth, you are not really smelling roses, more like moldy buildings and streets due to the flood last week, but still. You know what I mean. I want to stop and smell the roses.

It’s summertime. This whole studying business is hard, man. I want to be outside running in the woods, going to bonfires, drinking good beer, and laughing. Not to say that I never do any of those things, but I want a vacation.

I think that is it. I just really want a vacation. This whole “work 8-5pm” gig is getting old. And I’ve been doing it a year. Bahaha. The majority of people have been doing it for 30 years. I need to stop whining. It’s just so nice out. There is not 10 feet of snow outside, it is not 30 degrees BELOW zero, and I can calmly walk outside without the urge to break out ski poles. Who ever said being productive in the summer was a good idea????

But it shall pay off, correct? All of this work is not for naught???

Man, let’s hope so.

Ok. To everyone else, go sailing, climb trees, skin your knees, and drink from the hose. I will calmly have my nose in 10 books, wishing you all fair-thee-well!

Cheers to almost Friday!!

Here is my article of the week: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/06/27/decision-day-supreme-court-poised-to-shape-economy-election-with-obamacare/

Perspective

When I got done with work yesterday, I was kind of in a foul mood. I had been micro-
managed at work, and I hate that. Do you want to write an email while someone is
standing directly behind you? Probably not. How about if that person is telling you what
to write in that email. Seriously!? It seems rather inefficient. Go write the email yourself
then. Bah.

Anyways, it would have been so nice to run off that icky-biznass in the cool breeze
outside by the lake… Hmmmm… not so much. One of my muscles on the outside of my
hip and thigh is bugging me. I guess it worked too hard in the race last weekend. So I’m
letting it rest. It’s the right thing to do, but then I’m a crabby-pants instead…

So, I decided to bake. Let’s making something deliciously fattening and heavy laden
with butter and sugar to make me feel better! Yep, that should do the trick… Well, as I’m
whipping up some scones, the recipe decides to be stupid and list an amount of milk that
cannot be correct because I was left with a pile of dry batter that didn’t resemble that of
scones at all. Seriously?? So, I added some more, and worked the “dough” together, and
soon enough all of the nice little chunks of butter that I so very precisely cut into the flour
melted and I was left with a huge, dense, pile of lameness. I almost chucked it into the
garbage. But I let out a scream of exasperation and stomped my foot and proceeded to
make them because, gosh-darn-it, part of this day will go well!

They turned out like bricks.

Tasty, bricks though.

And as I was baking the bricks, I started packing up some of my stuff in my apartment.
Moving day is next weekend. Oh joy. Anyways, as I was fumbling around in my closet,
I came across an envelope. It was a recommendation letter that one of my professors had
written for me. I was going to use it last spring, for applying to a master’s program, and
never used it. However, I never opened the letter. I felt like I would be cheating. Like I
really wasn’t supposed to know what my professors thought of me. But, seeing as how
yesterday was just going so well, I decided to open it.

On a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being excellent, my professor gave me a 3 in Managing Stress. I
was a little bugged at first. What does he mean? That I can’t handle stress? That I buckle
under pressure? It was the last thing I wanted to read on a day like yesterday. But as
I thought about it more, maybe I do stink at managing stress. As referenced above, I
screamed and stomped my foot. Seriously, how old am I, 3 years old??

And it is not asking if I can handle stress. Yes. I can handle stressful situations. But how
do I manage them?

Like a 3 year old. Great.

So, now it’s time to re-evaluate once again. I feel like I’m doing that constantly. How
about baby steps. The next time I’m presented with something stressful, I try NOT to
stomp my foot.

Sound good?

Wow. Good thing it’s Friday. Cheers everyone!

Here is my article. http://www.duluthnewstribune.com/event/article/id/235038/

YAY FOR RUNNING!

Who wants to go for a run with me tomorrow at 5am? Oh yeah! That's right! 6,000 other people want to come along. Super sweet

Yep. Grandma's Marathon weekend has arrived in Duluth. This weekend always makes me laugh. Especially when you go down to the DECC to pick up your race packet. You are bound to see some ridiculously awesome runner people. Like the lady I saw who was picking up every type of energy bar she could find and tossing it back into the pile heartily disgruntled as she exclaimed "Not enough fiber! I need at LEAST 20 grams in one bar!" Her friend came up to her and gave her a pair of glasses, and as she put them on, spontaneously yelled, "Oh. I guess I could do with 10 grams". Bahahaha. What does she want to do? Stop and go number 2 every three miles because she has so much FIBER in her system????? Weird. I kind of oogled her, and kept walking. Some people look like they could kick my butt any day of the week, and others, not so much. You will see people holding hands while each one of them is holding a race packet. Oh for cute. They are running together. You will see people holding hands and pushing strollers and holding race packets. And then I thought to myself, what are they doing with the kids in the strollers while they run the race together? Hmmm... And then you see people who have orange tans and bleach blonde hair and you think, ooooo, you are not from around here... But it is the happiness in everyone's eyes that I can't get over. They are truly pumped to be there. Whether they have run this race 10 times before, or if this is their first time, doesn't matter. The buzz of happy running is in the air.

What makes this race special for me, is the fact that I'm running it for the cancer patients and families who cannot. I have always wanted to contribute to something that is waaay bigger then myself. And I get to do that tomorrow. Sweet. 

So hopefully is doesn't monsoon tomorrow morning while we wait to start. And then become 800 degrees outside and then monsoon again...

Cheers to a happy, run filled weekend!

Here is my article of the week: http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/15/politics/immigration/index.html 

Step Ahead

I’ve talked about this before. Having the urge to continue moving forward, keep looking ahead, because the other option is staying stagnant. I don’t want to become stagnant.

But this moving forward business is driving me nuts. I feel so discombobulated and confused. I want to be a step ahead of where I am. I want to be 4 months down the road, when my life won’t feel so question-mark-ish. The urge to move forward this time is different. It is not to achieve some higher purpose of my life, it’s to move past the ickyness of not knowing. The fear. The fear of not being good enough.

I know that sounds hopeless and sad. I don’t mean it to be that way. It’s the contradictory nature of confidence. It’s there to keep you grounded, to keep you from being over confident. I think that is why God allows it to be there. So we can look to Him for guidance and help instead of wallowing in it and trying to figure everything out on our own.

I feel like I’m delivering the answer to the debate before I’ve even started debating.

So, fear. Why am I so fearful? What is it about this whole med school/career business that is making my heart contract and my lungs feel like they are full of water?

Not being good enough. Preparing as best as I can, writing the best that I can, accumulating evidence to show I am ready as best as I can, and yet being told, “Nope. Too bad. We don’t think you can do it.” From some arbitrary medical school admissions dude, who knows nothing about me except for what he can see on paper. The act of being judged. It makes me feel nauseous.

My brother wants to get a tattoo that says, “Only God Can Judge Me”.

I feel it’s immensely appropriate.

But we don’t have that luxury of freedom without judgment. We live in a world that is not perfect. We are judged every single day. Sometimes based solely on what type of cereal we ate for breakfast, or what shoes we put on before going outside. I mean, come on, who cares…

Yes, really, WHO CARES.

I do. I’m letting the fear of being judged take over before I’ve even began. And I’m realizing that as I’m writing this. Wow. That’s lame.

Sooo, new plan…

Why not prepare as best as I can? Write as best as I can. Accumulate evidence to show I am ready as best as I can be. And leave it up to God to decide if I really am ready or not. For He is the one who gave me the gifts to pursue my dreams in the first place.

Yes. I like this plan. This plan sounds much better.

Cheers to Monday, everyone. May it be happy, for Friday is only 4 days away.

Here is something I am looking forward to: http://basilicablockparty.org/

Little Goodness

I’m lacking in the creative department. Blast.

 Anybody have any ridiculously awesome stories that are better then the one I am going to tell? If you do, please share below. Everyone will benefit from your more interesting story.

I love peanut butter m&m’s. There were days in college when the homework and studying for exams began piling up to a tumultuous degree, and the only thing that would make studying better, was peanut butter m&m’s. Seriously, I could eat a quadzillion of them and not blink an eye.

 If you have a stash of them somewhere, DON’T EVER tell me where they are. They will disappear and you will be left with a sad reminder that ‘sharing is not caring’ when it comes to peanut butter m&m’s. Sharing is sad, because I will eat all of them.

 So today, when one of my coworkers was looking for something salty to eat, I, in turn, wanted something sweet. Thus began an assortment of emails going back and forth about who should go get the other one their snack of choice. It ended in me running down to the food court to get my coworker some chips, and ultimately caving to the desire to buy some peanut butter m&m’s. Blast!

 I’ve only eaten half the little bag so far… I still have 3 more hours of work…

 Cheers to the weekend!

 Here is my article of the week. It’s not that lame, I promise. http:// whitehouse.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/25/obama-compares-romneys-rhetoric-to-cow-pie-of- distortion/

Packed Bags

This post is dedicated to my bro. He is graduating from college tomorrow. Congrats dude. So proud of you.

His bag is packed. I think he only has one. Minimalist. Everything is in its appropriate spot. Every little item that needed to be bought, is bought. Plans are slightly made up. He will still be flying by the seat of his pants,like always. But he is so ready to go.

He’s flying to Ireland on Monday. Graduation present.

Pretty epically awesome. Over the past couple of years, he has put in his time, gone to classes that he really didn’t want to go to, and aced like every single one of them. (Nerd) He has schmoozed with every professor he ever needed to, in order to make them his friend. My brother is great at that. He could get you hooked after the first time you meet him too. But he is always thinking ahead, thinking about ways to create and make new connections. He’s pretty young, and he already has connections across the country. Dude

I’m so excited to watch him continue to grow. I don’t care how sappy that sounds. This is my little brother we’re talking about here! But now he’s like kind of big. Geez. And yet he has so many ridiculously awesome adventures still ahead of him. He’s just starting. And I’m so proud to watch it all unfold.

Cheers to my little bro! Happy graduation!

Here is my article. Seems pretty fitting: Zen Backpacking

CAKE!

Delicious cake. You have to make this cake. It will make you smile.

Strawberries and Cream Angel Food Cake Roll <------- (SO GOOD)

For the Cake:
9 egg whites
2 tsp vanilla
3/4 tsp cream of tartar
1 cup + 2Tb sugar
3/4 cake flour (or regular flour, sifted)
1 Tb powdered sugar

For the Filling:
2 cups heavy cream (has to be really cold)
6 Tb of powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla
3 cups diced strawberries

1. Make sure the egg whites are warm. (I literally took them out of the fridge and microwaved the container of eggs for 15 to 20 seconds a couple of times until the eggs didn't feel cold anymore). Or you could crack them into a bowl and let them sit for an hour...

2. Meanwhile, line a 15x10-inch baking pan with waxed paper; spray with cooking spray and set aside. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

3. Start whipping the eggs. You can do it the old fashion way with your trusty guns (arm + whisk) or you could use a hand mixer or stand-up mixer to start beating the egg whites. Add vanilla and cream of tarter to egg whites; beat on medium speed until soft peaks form. (You will see the transformation from frothy eggs to more whipped-cream-looking eggs) Gradually beat in sugar, 2 tablespoons at a time, on high until stiff glossy peaks form. You will have a bowl full of fluffy delicious-ness. Try hard not to eat it all right there. It was a struggle for me. Fold in flour, 1/4 cup at a time.

4. Carefully spread batter into prepared pan. Make sure you spread it smooth. I had one thin side and one thick side, whoops. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until cake springs back when lightly touched. Cool for 5 mins

5. Dust a clean kitchen towel with 1 tablespoon of powdered sugar. (This is so the cake doesn't stick to the towel after you roll it) Turn the cake out onto the kitchen towel. Gently peel off waxed paper (slowly!). Roll up cake in the towel (I know that sounds weird, just do it) jelly-roll style, starting with a short side. Cool completely on a wire rack.

6. Meanwhile, make the whipped cream. Take whatever bowl you are using and stick it in the freezer for about 10 mins. Do this. It makes a huge difference. Then, pour the cream into the frozen bowl and beat on medium speed until it begins to thicken. Add powdered sugar a little bit at a time and the vanilla, increase the speed to medium-high and beat until soft peaks form. Beautifully light and fluffy. Gently fold in the strawberries. Don't mash. Store in the refrigerator until ready to use.

7. Unroll cooled cake; spread filling to the edges. You will have some filling left over, which is wonderful because you can devour it all yourself, or maybe share with everyone later... Roll it back up. Place seam side down on and sprinkle with more powdered sugar. Serve with the leftover cream filling (if you have any left). Store the leftovers (if you have any) in the refrigerator covered in plastic wrap.

8. BE EXTREMELY HAPPY.

Here is my article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/10/opinion/granderson-romney-obama-gay-rights/index.html You should read it. It gives an interesting perspective

HAPPY ALMOST FRIDAY! WOOOO HOOOO!

Learning

I am such a basket-case sometimes. Oh my word. I continually chalk it up to being "new" to my job.

I've been here a year...

Well, in the matters of learning new things at work, I am top-notch panic city. You would think after being here a year, the overwhelming desire to flee the building would go away, or at least subside. But alas, it is not so. I always say I am open to learning anything and everything, but in the end, I'm not willing to take on the minor-panic-freak-out-I-made-a-mistake situations. I want to know how to do it right from the beginning, and not make any errors, when I have no idea what I'm doing. Ba! Talk about uptight-basket-case. IN ORDER TO LEARN YOU (MOST OF THE TIME) HAVE TO MAKE MISTAKES.

You would think after knowing this about myself for the past, hmm, FOREVER, I would somehow be able to cope with the situation when it presents itself. I'm good at doing that later. Like making chocolate chip cookies after work and going on a long-extended run in the morning before work. But this doesn't help, at all, when you need to deal with a minor crisis that very moment at work. I can't stand in front of my computer and casually glaze into oblivion or run around my department in distress shredding paper into little tiny bits and flinging them wherever I walk (however, it would be hilarious). I need to be level-headed and make a decision that is, to the best of my knowledge, correct. The key is not to become emotionally attached. Me? Become emotional unattached? WHAT? HOW? I need enlightenment.

I feel it all rolls back to who is really in charge, though. NOT ME. Christ is. He is leading me, He is giving me the strength to handle whatever comes my way. I am not on my own. I do not have to get emotionally attached to data points and cry in the corner or under my desk, when one of my entries was made in error. God doesn't want me to trust in myself. That's pointless. I need to trust in Him.

There is my enlightenment. DUH. Just give it up to Jesus.

Don't panic today. Make a mistake. Learn. Cheers!

Here is my article. This woman is crazy: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/03/bachmann-endorses-romney/

Spinning

My head is currently pounding, trying to wrap my brain around the AMCAS application. Go look it up, it will make your brain hurt. Although, I apologize if by looking it up, you get a headache too. Whoops.

Seriously, there is a MANUAL for it. An 85 page manual describing how to correctly upload your medical school application! (AMCAS stands for American Medical College Application Service). Think of it as a hula-hoop the size of your pinky-finger that I need to jump through. If you don't recall, I run a lot. I have runner's-legs syndrome. This leg syndrome involves symptoms of: too tight jeans, wearing a lot of tent dresses, and explaining that I will be fantastic at child bearing. However, it does not help with getting through this relatively small hoop. Lame.

But I digress. Back to this application manual of death. As you can see, I have moved on from the MCAT test of death, to now the a fore-mentioned AMCAS application of death. Smooth transition, don't you think? I wonder why I refer to it with such a disgusting tone... Oh yeah... there is an 85 page manual discussing how to use it...

Well, in any case, this application is now sitting on my docket of things to do. And I need to start writing. Personal statement soul-writing. Spew out why I want to be a doctor without sounding sappy and lame. So how do I pretend like I'm not like that... hmmmm... good question... suggestions will be rewarded with cookies

Here's my article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/24/politics/april-24-primaries/index.html
I found it interesting

Happy hump day!

Right here

Opportunities. Experiences. Adventures. How often do you take those, and run with them?

I had a day this week, unlike any other this year, that involved all three. An accumulation of a lot of thought, life, time, prayer, emotion, and travel  that led me to the door of someone simply spectacular. Someone who has done work, and is continuing to do work, on a population of patients that I hold quite dear to my heart. I met my sister's Orthopedic Surgeon on Wednesday, at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.

Besides finally meeting someone who took care of my sister, let's trump it up a bit. The meeting was on the day she went to heaven 12 years ago. That was the only date that worked for this doctor. Unbelievable. I took it as an amazing gift. To be in the same building, talking to this doctor, on the day she passed, right around the same time she passed. Dude! My heart could hardly believe it. And now I'm 24, 12 years after the fact, and this is the year 2012. Honestly, God couldn't have laid out a more beautiful day to experience this opportunity.

So let's revisit some other aspects of the day that just made my mouth fall open. I stayed with my Aunt in Lake City, MN the night before. Lake City is super close to Rochester and BONUS! I could hang with my Auntie. Since the appointment was not until the afternoon, and my aunt is a grade school teacher, I went to school with her in the morning. I helped out with the kids. We made kites, and did calisthenics outside in a big line, (hilarious) and I got the chance to play piano. The kids LOVE singing, and bless my dear aunt, but her hands never got to learn how to play music, together, at the same time, on the piano, :) so I got volunteered to play some hymns. Awesome. Some of the first songs that the kids wanted to sing were played at my sister's funeral. "On Eagle's Wings" and "I Know that My Redeemer Lives". I smiled inside. God let me play my sister's hymns to rowdy children singing to their hearts content. Beautiful.

And it gets more amazing, believe me! When I did get to Mayo, I had to wait a bit before the appointment. I was sitting in the large atrium, and listening to gorgeous piano music a man was playing on a Grand Piano. After a bit, I realized he was playing hymns from my hymnal. Oh my goodness. He was playing songs I totally recognized. And right before I went up to my appointment, he finished playing with one song. On Eagle's Wings.

This was all before I even got up to talk with the Doctor! Can you believe it?? I have never felt the overwhelming presence of God's hand, like I did on Wednesday. There was no where else I was supposed to be. There was no other place in the entire world that He wanted me to be; experiencing and moving forward with the adventure that He is unfolding for me.

It's hard to wrap my brain around the gift. The gift to share in discussion, my sister's case, with the Doctor who did surgery on her. The meeting I had with him was intense. I was trying so hard to keep my emotions intact. To not completely break down and wallow in the ridiculous-ness of the day. I somewhat managed. :) And he expressed to me the impact that my older sister made on him and the way he practices medicine. She changed everything. She made a lasting impact on someone who has been practicing medicine for over 20 years. How awesome. How spectacular to hear these truths coming from a world-renown Doc! And tears were brought to his eyes, as he acknowledged that he remembered which day it was too. He couldn't believe it happened this way either. Such a great meeting. I learned so much more about my sister, medically, that I've been waiting to hear about for a long time.

And after the meeting, I still had to drive back to Duluth. Lame. But I got to meet someone in the cities for dinner. Which made the day that much more awesome. There was Bargo going on at the place we ate. Seriously, if you want a good time, go to the Rail Station in Minneapolis around 8pm on Wednesdays. You will have a hard time hearing ANYTHING or finding a seat for that matter, but folks in their 50s and 60s are a hoot to watch play Bingo at the Bar. Bahahaha

I think I've rambled enough. Go find yourself an adventure and embrace it.

I know this really isn't an article, but I thought it was totally awesome and wanted to share: http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/19/health/gallery/crazy-races-fun-run/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

Happy Friday!

Courage

I find it hard to have courage sometimes. Especially when that courage is an acknowledgement of a mistake. An error. Who wouldn't? Why would anyone really want to cop to making a mistake? No one wants to be found guilty of doing something wrong...

But it brings change. Mistakes help move us forward. Hopefully, in the end, making something better then it was before. I had to swallow that horse-pill yesterday. At work, I came across a ginormous error. One that has been wrong for a while. And when I discovered it, I wanted to flee from my cube. Grab my purse and casually just slip out of the building. La de da. I'll be back next week when someone fixes this, because I don't want to deal with it...

But I didn't do that. Darn. I really wanted to though.

I gulped. I assessed the ridiculousness of the situation, and went fact finding. Getting all of my ducks in a row before presenting the so-called 'disaster' to the people that needed to see the problem. Ugh. Courage. I needed a bucket of courage. You are stuck in a situation that makes you feel icky, exposing a problem that makes you feel ickier. Oh yesterday was lame!

But I found the strength that I needed. I prayed for guidance and patience. Guidance to get through the muck, and patience to deal with the after-effects.

You know the cool part, though? The error that was found will now clear up an issue that has been going on for 4-5 years. How awesome is that? In the end, finding the courage to expose a mistake, in turn, making a change for the better. Today was a great day.

Here is my article for the week: http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/12/politics/campaign-wrap/index.html
It's long, but you should take the time to read it. It was really interesting.

May you find courage amongst the icky.

Dude! Pick up your feet!

Story of my life. My parents and teammates from various sports teams growing up can attest to the fact that I constantly needed to pick up my feet. I'd trip in basketball, softball, volleyball, ultimate frisbee. You name it, I've probably face-planted planning it.

Sure is no different today! I went for a run yesterday on the backside trails of Hartley that lead over to the trails between Hartley and Hawk Ridge. They are pretty technical and rocky at points, but so gorgeously beautiful that it doesn't matter. Anyways, I was about 4 mins into the run. Yeah, 4 mins, and I COMPLETELY biffed it. Like dolphin-flipper biffed it. You know what I mean. When you fall forward and your legs rock up behind you and your face and chest proceed to go forward into the ground so you look like a dolphin with their tail flipped up. Yeah. I fell like that. And I had leaves and dirt up my shirt and then down my pants and on my back? and on my arms and dirt smattered hands. Dude! PICK UP YOUR FEET. I don't even know what I was thinking about that made me totally forget that I was running among tree roots and rocks... It was quite a ker-splat. I have a nice raspberry on my right leg. Wooooo

But I finished the run. No more falls. And it got me thinking. I am terrible at trail running. Terrible. But I continue to do it and it continues to be one of my favorite activities of all time. Why?

Because it makes me happy. It makes me so happy. Who cares if I'm bad at it. I love doing it. This also goes along with my skills for riding bikes, and gardening, and sewing... I am not very good at any of these tasks either, but I enjoy doing them. Despite falling off the bikes, and spraying myself in the face with a hose, or poking myself and sewing over my fingers. They make me feel good and I laugh at myself in the process. Even better.

Go do something you're bad at today, and find yourself doubled-over in laughter.

Interesting article of the week:
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/04/04/romney-makes-general-election-pitch-in-pennsylvania-but-cant-ignore-santorum/

Cheers to almost Friday!

Empty Bowl

I went to a sweet shin-dig today. So glad I was told about it. I got a sweet souvenir too.

For lunch, I went to the Art and Soul Empty Bowl event downtown at the Depot. The Empty Bowl benefits Second Harvest Northern Lakes Food Bank, which provides food for more then 3.3 million meals annually, to people in need throughout northeastern Minnesota and northwestern Wisconsin. Totally sweet, right? But besides the awesomeness of helping out a food bank, you get the added bonus of being able to encourage the arts and art education in our local schools!

The whole premise of the event is based around pottery bowls. Kids from different schools throughout Duluth and also some other local artists, make supremely unique pottery bowls and have them on display. So you go, pay twenty bucks, pick out a kick-butt bowl to take home with you (which is gorgeous and wonderful because it's homemade), and then you get some soup that was brought in from the local restaurants for lunch. I had a spicy black bean and green chili soup from the Duluth Grille. Super tasty. And I didn't spill on myself! Bonus!

And now I can eat from the bowl that I got, and be happy, knowing that I participated in spreading food throughout the northland. One of my favorite things of all time. Sharing food.

So make something good for dinner tonight, if you can, and be happy about it. Cheers!

Raise your hand

Who had a good weekend?

I want to see a show of hands. I want to see them high in the air. I'd put both mine up. Like a little first grader who is about to pee their pants because they want to answer the question so badly.
I'd put both of mine up like that.

This girl had a phenomenal weekend.

Without a doubt, one of the more stressful and draining weekends that I've had since the winter of 2008 when I was studying for the O.Chem final before Christmas break. Hot damn that was awful. But I survived. Anyways, this weekend was amazing. Despite taking the MCAT, driving about 600 miles, and going through a patient audit for work, it was awesome. A BRICK WEIGHING 12904230598 POUNDS CAME OFF MY SHOULDERS. WOOOOOOO :) And I got to hang out with my family. I did yoga with my parents on Sunday morning before church. HILARIOUS. So much fun. Just think about two people in their early 50's, doing yoga better then their daughter who is more then half their age... I never said I was graceful...

And after the patient audit on Monday, when I was still in the cities, I met up with a stupendous person for mass quantities of delicious Chinese food at a restaurant I couldn't really pronounce. And walked around downtown in a skirt when it was like 35 degrees, and yet was supremely happy. Gotta love Duluth, changing weather temperatures has made this girl love anything above 20.

So what have I learned? What has this MCAT test of death taught me?
To try. Give your best. And be HAPPY with whatever kinds of future plans are in store.
It's taught me to have patience. All does not come sweeping back to memory after five attempts at a projectile motion or H-NMR Spectroscopy problem...
But most importantly, it's taught me to give it up. Quit trying to control what I want to happen, and let God be in control. Because God knows what is right, even though it may not be what I want.
     That is what it has taught me.

Cheers to learning and living and growing

Check out who also had a good weekend: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/27/poll-romney-tops-field-in-wisconsin/

Fried

Even though the title of this post alludes to maybe something deliciously, golden brown and munch-tastic, it's not. It refers to my brain. It's fried.

The looming test of death is approaching. It's on Saturday. The MCAT is on Saturday. And my brain is totally fried. Just done. Kaput. Shut off. Running on the fumes of the last few months of studying, because try as I might, everything with work and outside of work, is hectic crazy central. Therefore, studying and thinking about the test has kind of been put on the back burner. How could that possibly happen? Shouldn't it be on the front burner, glaring red and constantly on my mind?

Nope. I gave up.

Gave up on the anxiety, that is. I couldn't handle the frequent panic-attacks that were controlling my chest and my heart. So I prayed, and asked God to take the burden. Laid my anxieties on Him, because He cares for me. And whatever happens on Saturday, whether I truly am prepared or not (I feel like I'm NOT), is what God wants. If I completely crumble and fail, well then obviously I'm not ready yet to pursue something like medicine. If I FREAK OUT, about a test, 'is it A, or wait it's B, no no, it's A, but it could be B' and can't perform under pressure, then who says I'm cut out to make life decisions on command as a doctor!!??

Well, we shall see. I can't believe it's already time. I feel like I just started studying... oh boy...

But I almost want to say, BRING IT

Here is an article about a dude who is trying to conquer the world, I mean, country: http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/21/politics/il-analysis/index.html

BAH, it's almost Saturday...

Cheese

Ricotta cheese. Oh my word, it is divine. I would eat if from the container every day for the rest of my life if it wasn't completely wrong to do so. (The 'part-skim' version still has 120934832948 grams of fat per serving)

Anyways, it is simply spectacular. And when you put it on toast with orange marmalade, you are transported to a place that is anywhere but here. I know it might sound crazy, orange marmalade and ricotta cheese on toast? I'm sure some people are thinking, "BLEH! That sounds horrible!" because orange marmalade scares people in the first place, let alone topping it with ricotta cheese. But think about it... Orange Creamsicle... find one person who hates those and get back to me...

And you can eat it for breakfast! It totally takes like an amazing orange creamsicle, and instead of being sad that you are scarfing down ice-cream (which you probably shouldn't do for breakfast), you can pretend it's good for you by putting it on whole-grain toast. Especially when the whole-grain toast has lots of healthy things in it. The warmth of the bread makes the marmalade oozy and the ricotta cheese gets slightly warm. The contrast of the crunchy bread, with the sweet tang of the marmalade and the cool, refreshing mouth feel of the ricotta. Oh my word, I want some right now...

Just try it. I'm like 98% sure you will totally enjoy it. And I'm only 98% sure instead of 100% sure because I can't watch all of you eat it. If I could, I would carry around a tray and pass them off to people around me in the office. I might get ridiculously weird looks, but everyone would thank me later for the deliciousness that is in their belly...

It makes me happy. And it tastes really good. Enough said

Here is an article about a dude who is also happy: http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/13/politics/primaries/index.html?hpt=hp_t1 

Buy some ricotta, get some marmalade, put it on toast. Be happy

Change

Although my life seems completely boring at the moment, it's changing, drastically.

How do you move forward when everything around you wants to stay stagnate? Remain stable. Follow the crowd. Hide behind the cube because it is so much easier then peeking out around the corner, and sprinting to the nearest exit, for fear of being locked within the cube forever... These feelings are continually bouncing around in my head. The desire to move forward and bust into amazing-awesome ground that I have never experienced before, and the desire to sit. To relish in the opportunity to be content, and happy with the gifts I have already been blessed with.

Soul-searching. To the max. Digging deeper to find the real reasons for everything you decide to do, day in and day out. THIS IS NOT EASY. It sounds like it would be. Loaf around and contempt life. Think. To think. How hard could that be??

It's draining. It's a time-sucker. It makes me have a constant little 'knit' between my eyebrows, and a slight hunch in my shoulders. And it's a never ending process. A wheel of thought. I've been in this exact "feeling" many times before. To stay the course and follow the "plan" or, completely fall off the band-wagon and run into the woods, buff on my head and vibrams on my feet. (my nirvana)

But despite all the factors that are fighting to keep me still, the urge to move always wins.

ALWAYS.

The butterflies go crazy in my stomach when given the chance to think about trying something that I never have before. Marking out and completing a path that seemed impossible, makes my heart go wild. It's a thrill-seeking concept. Yes, I may completely botch it and end up flat on my face (which I do repeatedly anyways) in the process, but at least I tried. I gave it all the hootzzpa that I've got.

And isn't that what Christ is asking for anyways? To just try. To live in Him. Walk the unbeaten, narrow path that few are following because it leads to eternal freedom?

Yep. That's what I'm going to do, for the rest of my life. He has blessed me beyond belief. Lavished and overflowed continual gifts even though I do not deserve them. So I will move. I will push forward into the creepily scary future, confident that if I face-plant, He will be there to pull me back up.

ALWAYS

So here is my news article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/09/election/2012/obama-gop-campaign/index.html
I know, lame transition, but this article somewhat goes along with what I wrote above...

Happy Friday. Get out and do something awesome today

Defense

I've been playing a lot of defense this week.

It was one of those weeks where you have to trust in Jesus that everything is going to be ok, because if you don't, you're sunk.

I feel like a Whack-a-Mole game.

Each day, you never know if a person out there has a cushy, rubber hammer that they are going to slam into you and shriek with glee and excitement. Duck and cover is one option. But then you miss the play-by-play happenings of life. So I kept my head UP this week, and therefore got whacked a few times. There is only so much defense to be played when you are getting smacked repeatedly with a large rubber hammer...

But what I have learned through this RIDICULOUS week is: Stay the Course. Keep plugging along. Trust that Christ will get you through. Yet it is easy to fall into the misnomer that you can fix your own problems. But yet again, WHACK. 2x4 to the head. I cannot fix my own problems. It is out of my hands. Trust, and keep trusting that Christ has an awesome plan for something good to come out of the repeated whackings. Because He wouldn't send a good whack without a plan to back it up. :)

Here is my article of the week. This dude is playing defense too, but in a slightly different way: http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/02/politics/romney-gaffes/index.html?hpt=hp_c1 

Don't let the rubber hammer smacks get you down.

Cheers to Friday

Hidden Talent

I have a hidden talent. I discovered it last night.

I can slide like a major league baseball player... while running...

You know how they slide, right? They slide into the base and without realizing it, are right back up again. Nice and clean, down and up.

I totally did that while I was running last night. Hilarious.

The run was going well. I was running down Woodland Ave, which is a fairly large sloping hill, and right before I got to the intersection of 4th street, boom, I hit the pavement. My feet completely came out from under me and it was as if I threw my arms up in a "hoorah" and went down a park slide. One minute I was cruising and the next minute, I was down for the count, arms and butt sliding across the nice sheer patch of ice that I somehow blatantly missed. And a car was driving up the hill and slammed on his brakes because of course, someone had to witness the fall.

But do you know what the best part is? I 'glided' right back up. I never 'glide' anywhere. You should have watched me play softball growing up. Ask my parents, they can attest. I was the girl who slid into a base and everyone cringes, 'oooo, that looked like it hurt'. Needless to say, I never ever 'glided' into a base and immediately stood up. I always thought to myself, "ok, let's hope we make it to the base!" right as I was about to slide.

So you can imagine my surprise when I was 'slightly' graceful in my fall yesterday. I giggled to myself the whole way home. A "graceful fall". What an accomplishment. It's been a long time coming. Us Ring's are not graceful. Here is a link of my brother being graceful, courtesy of my cousin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQHOFaaRX48&feature=youtu.be.

Watch the video. It will make your day.

And in other news, I feel like this 'fact checking' is kind of a hidden talent... read this article: http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2012/02/23/truth-squad-fact-checking-wednesdays-debate/?hpt=hp_c1.

Cheers to laughing at yourself. Makes the soul feel happy.

Moody

MCAT studying is kicking my behind. The full-throttle-wind-up-boot-kicking kind. Yeah. It's affecting my mood a bit.

Save me.

I'm not waving a white flag. I just need some ooomph. Some hooosssttppha! to keep going. To not let the scary thoughts about what happens if I lay an egg on test day, bombard my noggin'. I've been nose-to-book(s) since Thanksgiving. Reading, and taking notes, writing, and reviewing content. Sometimes I feel it is paying off, and sometimes I want to crawl under my desk and not come out for fear that the MCAT books will eat me.

I know what you're thinking: SUCK IT UP. Stop whining. This is all she talks about...

Believe me. I want to suck it up. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to retain all of the ridiculously cool knowledge that I have smashed into my brain, and spew it all out like no-ones-business on March 24th (Dooms Day). However, there are many more things to learn. One of which is the Writing Sample. It scares the living daylights out of me. The most recent prompt I had to write about: "In a democracy, a successful politician resembles the ordinary citizen" Explain the statement, give an example of when a successful politician does not resemble the ordinary citizen, and discuss what determines whether or not a successful politician resembles the ordinary citizen.

Seriously? Seriously??? That's not easy. It's not an opinion essay. You need to use examples. You have half an hour to write it. Go. Do it. See what you come up with and let me know because mine ran around in circles and I swear I used the word citizen 50 times.

So... yeah... rant is done. I will go for a run, do some yoga, make some dinner and maybe take a whack at a few prompts. No wallowing. No pity party. Good thoughts. Sunshine. Rainbows.

Bonnaroo 2012 anyone?

Defined

I thought this article was really interesting: http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/16/opinion/navarrette-chimichanga-comment/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

Besides the whole political issue that they are talking about in this article, that the GOP is on a suicide mission if it continues to alienate Hispanics, it made me think about what it means to be defined. Holy cow. If you see some of the examples that were in that article:

        "Lastly, if it's not too much to ask, just once I'd like to not be defined by a food group. Politicians have dished out this tactic for years. In his congressional and Senate races, Lyndon Johnson went into the Hispanic enclaves of south Texas and handed out tacos and beer. Years later, President Gerald Ford tried to bond with a Hispanic audience by taking a bite out of a tamale. Bill Clinton loved Mexican food and consumed it with gusto. During a visit to a Mexican restaurant in Tucson in the late 1990s, Clinton showed his affinity with Hispanics by eating enough to satisfy an entire Mexican family."

These examples make me slightly nauseous. To think of how our presidents have acted in the past towards a certain race, defining them by a food group, just makes me realize that they have no idea how to relate to someone that isn't white. Putting an entire race under the umbrella of 'tacos and beer', it makes me angry, to be honest. But who am I to say or complain about how people should be treated... I'm not... I've said it before, I'm a little peon in a cubicle in northern MN. I'm white, and have grown up in an environment where everyone else is too. 

It just seems demoralizing. But it got me thinking about how I define myself versus how others might be defining me. I'm sure it's not what I would like people to think, but at the same time, it doesn't matter. Their opinions are their opinions. It should not effect how I go about my day to day boring life. 

But this is politics. This is how our top leaders are treating/defining what "Hispanic" means to them. Tacos and beer. Tamales. 

Ugh, super lame.

Stereotyping=Ridiculousness

Don't give in to the madness...