Step Ahead

I’ve talked about this before. Having the urge to continue moving forward, keep looking ahead, because the other option is staying stagnant. I don’t want to become stagnant.

But this moving forward business is driving me nuts. I feel so discombobulated and confused. I want to be a step ahead of where I am. I want to be 4 months down the road, when my life won’t feel so question-mark-ish. The urge to move forward this time is different. It is not to achieve some higher purpose of my life, it’s to move past the ickyness of not knowing. The fear. The fear of not being good enough.

I know that sounds hopeless and sad. I don’t mean it to be that way. It’s the contradictory nature of confidence. It’s there to keep you grounded, to keep you from being over confident. I think that is why God allows it to be there. So we can look to Him for guidance and help instead of wallowing in it and trying to figure everything out on our own.

I feel like I’m delivering the answer to the debate before I’ve even started debating.

So, fear. Why am I so fearful? What is it about this whole med school/career business that is making my heart contract and my lungs feel like they are full of water?

Not being good enough. Preparing as best as I can, writing the best that I can, accumulating evidence to show I am ready as best as I can, and yet being told, “Nope. Too bad. We don’t think you can do it.” From some arbitrary medical school admissions dude, who knows nothing about me except for what he can see on paper. The act of being judged. It makes me feel nauseous.

My brother wants to get a tattoo that says, “Only God Can Judge Me”.

I feel it’s immensely appropriate.

But we don’t have that luxury of freedom without judgment. We live in a world that is not perfect. We are judged every single day. Sometimes based solely on what type of cereal we ate for breakfast, or what shoes we put on before going outside. I mean, come on, who cares…

Yes, really, WHO CARES.

I do. I’m letting the fear of being judged take over before I’ve even began. And I’m realizing that as I’m writing this. Wow. That’s lame.

Sooo, new plan…

Why not prepare as best as I can? Write as best as I can. Accumulate evidence to show I am ready as best as I can be. And leave it up to God to decide if I really am ready or not. For He is the one who gave me the gifts to pursue my dreams in the first place.

Yes. I like this plan. This plan sounds much better.

Cheers to Monday, everyone. May it be happy, for Friday is only 4 days away.

Here is something I am looking forward to: http://basilicablockparty.org/