Reviewing

It's almost February, but I've been thinking about this last year, 2015, for some reason today. Just sitting and reviewing it all. Because it was one of the most amazing and challenging years that I've had in a while.

Chris and I got engaged January 4th, 2015.

I started my first job as a new nurse in February.

Meanwhile, Chris is in school to become a nurse too, but let's plan a wedding. Yes. Let's.

Oh, why not plan a honeymoon to Africa? Yes. Let's add that too.

Qualified for Boston at the Minneapolis Marathon at the end of May. Yay!

Look, it's August, Chris is graduating from nursing school!

Then the most sunshiny, happy, friend and family filled day occurred. Our wedding September 19th.

Chris started his first RN job in October!

Oh look, it's November! Let's go to Africa and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Sweet.

December. I started and passed my chemotherapy certification at work. Professional goal, check.

How humbling, right? To take a look back at the year that has come and gone. Mostly because we can get so caught up in the stress of it all, that we miss the bigger picture.

I got married. I changed my name.

I found someone that adds so much happiness and adventure to my life. Someone who supports my plans and encourages me to reach even higher. Someone who constantly wants to make me happy and puts my needs before his own. He will not end his day unless he knows I'm ok and we're ok.

Life in review. This beautiful and ever changing path that we are on; it deserves documentation. To remind us of how blessed we are that we get to keep living it day after day. Even when it's hard. Even when we don't know how we are going to get through it all.

Because each experience matters. I believe there is a purpose, something to learn, something to gain, from what we go through. To share, to give, to offer. You never know how you may impact someone because of what you went through.

So full

Sometimes, my heart just feels like it is going to burst. It is so full. So full of memories, so full of love, so full of life. And I have to take a second to stop and remind myself to breathe. That life is beautiful. And each step that we are taking, is good. Real good.

I am so young. And yet sometimes I feel so old. It’s so weird to think of everything that has come and gone. Family adventures, college adventures, running adventures, love adventures. Each experience, changing you and molding you, in a different way, for the next experience. 

I don’t think I have ever been in a spot before, to see the fluid changes life brings, and appreciate them in the way that I am in this moment. I’ve always been looking at something else, not seeing the forest for the trees. Seven months ago, I started nursing school. And in less than 5 months, I’ll be finished with nursing school. It’s just another drop in the bucket, another experience to add to the list. 

It’s like putting your hand in a stream, and feeling the water flow through your fingers. It’s a tangible substance, but you cannot grab it. It will slip through. You can cup some in your hands, but for a brief few seconds. 

I feel like I’m standing holding life in my hands, but for a brief few seconds while I write these words. This full feeling. This sense of calm reassurance, while I think about what has come and gone for myself, and for my family.

Because everything is changing. Always changing. Fluid and free. 

What a beautiful gift, our minds, to preserve the people and places and experiences we love the most.

So we can pause, and remember and love, amidst the change.

Game Plan

Here's my rough estimate at where I will be for the next two weeks. Go to www.shta.org if you want more information on the trail sections!

Day 1, August 18^th

Otter Lake Road Trail to Carlson Pond Campsite (This campsite is between the Arrowhead trail section and County Road 70)

Day 2, August 19^th

Carlson Pond Campsite to Kadunce River Campsite (This campsite is between Judge Magney State Park and Cook County Road 58)

Day 3, August 20^th

Kadunce River Campsite to Bally Creek Campsite (This campsite is between Grand Marais and Cascade River State Park)

Day 4, August 21^st

Bally Creek Campsite to Jonvick Creek Campsite (This campsite is between Cascade River State Park and Caribou trail)

Day 5, August 22^nd

Jonvick Creek Campsite to Onion River Campsite (This campsite is between Lutsen and Britton Peak)

Day 6, August 23^rd

Onion River Campsite to Dyer’s Creek Campsite (This campsite is between County Road One and Caribou River Wayside)

Day 7, August 24^th

Dyer’s Creek Campsite to South Sonju Lake Campsite (This campsite is between Crosby Manitou State Park and Finland)

Day 8, August 25^th

South Sonju Lake Campsite to Kennedy Creek Campsite (This campsite is between  County Road 6 and Highway 1)

Day 9, August 26^th

I will be going in to Silver Bay on this day. I will call in and let everyone know I’m still alive. Also, I need to pick up a food drop box at the post office. So, if anyone wants to get a hold of me, this would be a great day!

Kennedy Creek Campsite to Beaver River Campsite (This campsite is between Silver Bay and Split Rock)

Day 10, August 27^th

Beaver River Campsite to Gooseberry multi group campsite (This campsite is between Gooseberry and Castle Danger)

Day 11, August 28^th (MY DAD’S BIRTHDAY!)

Gooseberry campsite to Stewart River Campsite (This campsite is between the new section of trail at Reeves Road to Lake County Demonstration Forest)

Day 12, August 29^th

Stewart River to Big Bend Campsite (This campsite is between Rossini Rd and Fox Farm Road)

Day 13, August 30^th

Big Bend Campsite to Heron Pond Campsite (This campsite is between Sucker River Road and Normanna Rd)

Day 14, August 31^st

Heron Road Campsite to my front door. This section goes until Martin Road and weaves along woodland for a bit. 

If I get adventurous, and feel like it, I might dump my stuff and run to Jay Cooke. If anyone wants to help crew or run with me, I’ll probably start in the afternoon on this day and finish late at night in the dark.

So, there is my trip in a nutshell. Check out my facebook page for more information about donating to the Erik Peter Person Childhood Cancer Center Fund. There will be a link posted with access to the sight, or you can see my address from my homepage. 

Cheers to being outside in God's wonderful creation! WOO HOO!! :) 

Soaked

I felt the urge to write today, on this lame cloudy morning. Was hoping for sunshine so I could skip work and make guacamole, but alas, my conscience kicked in and I find myself at work. Longingly glancing over my neighboring cubicle walls to see if the sun is shining yet…the moment it is, I’m leaving! (maybe… my conscience might keep me here…it sounds better to say that I shall conquer the day once the sun appears…)

Anyways, who wants to hear about the Superior 50k? It was a crazy-amazing day filled with lots of fantastic people and mud.

So, I spent the night before the race with 12 other people in a cabin at the Lutsen resort. It was super sweet to be able to relax knowing that I wouldn’t have to get up at the crack of dawn and drive many miles to the start. Or, feel bad for waking people up 5 hours before they really wanted to. So, SCORE! for not being that person.

It was really mild at the start. Not super cold, not super hot. The sky was grey and threatened to rain, but we didn’t get insanely drenched before heading out into the woods. Wooo hooo! It just started raining once we got into the woods… for the next forever…

P.S. I was nervous to the point of peeing 5 times within 20 minutes before the start.

The race director gave an epic speech and off we went down the hard road start (YEAH) for about ¾ of a mile until we got to the woods. And oh that first feeling of bliss when you know you get to spend the day in the woods!! It’s like an all-encompassing-hug/sigh of relief. I swear. I felt it as we got on the single-track and decided it was going to be a great day.

3 miles later… dun Dun DUN….

This is where everything went from “this is stupendous” to “HOLY CRAP MY ANKLE IS DEAD”. Yeah, my left ankle decided to go to the left when my body was moving to the right. Whammo. I started running like a drunken-sailor with a broken wooden leg. A few dudes ran by and asked if I was ok. I sort of said “yeah, peachy” with a plastered-strained smile on my face because inside I was ridiculously pissed. I seriously thought the race was over. Like oh great! I made it 3 miles out of 31… nice job wussy… So I just kept going. I knew if I took off my shoe, the race would be over. And who wants to do that???? I just proceeded to leave the shoe on and pretend like nothing happened…

Getting to the first aid-station was sort of a beast. A few intense climbs and insane down-hill got me thinking to myself that, if I feel like crap by mile 7.75 (the first aid-station) highly consider slowing it down and taking it easy. Well… I felt fantastic if I blocked out the throbbing ankle! So I just kept trucking. I distinctly remember calling out as I was leaving the aid-station, “WE MADE IT THROUGH THE SECTION OF DEATH!” because that is really how beastly that first section is. I heard a random clap, so maybe someone else agreed…

The next section, from what I had heard, was supposed to be mild and relatively flat. I agree with this on the way out. I had about 5 guys that were following behind me in this section and we had a great time. Ran smart and conserved the legs for the journey back. Besides the fact that I face-planted in this section, the only other highlight was seeing the leaders blaze back the other way. I hadn’t made it to mile 13 and they were already on their way back!! Flying. They were flying.

The turn around was pretty cool. There was a dude at the top of Carlton Peak that looked quite epic. I gave him a high five and proceeded to bomb back down the mountain. Returning to the second aid-station left me feeling a bit wonky. My stomach hurt and all I had tried to eat was oranges, so I chomped down on a bit of PB&J and drank a bit of ginger-ale. Didn’t go well, but didn’t lose it either.

Now, whoever said that the middle section coming back was nice and flat should be mildly kicked in the shin. Yes, there were no intense mountain climbs, but the mental challenge was ridiculous! No walking/hiking up steep cliffs to take your mind away from what you were actually doing. I bonked pretty badly. An amazing runner that I met on trail that day (BJ!!) sort of saved my life. He listened to me whine and complain for far too long. He eventually blazed by me… because I was ready to fall over. Which did occur just a mile later, as I was gallivanting through the forest. I was coming up to an intensely slanted boardwalk, and since my brain was sort of fogging out, I said to myself, “Andrea, you’re going to completely wipe out on this thing. You’re shoes are wet, the boardwalk is wet. Try not to break your face.” My feet came out from under me and I landed flat on my back. Well not really flat, more of like slanted due to the incline of the wet boardwalk. I let out a fierce wounded animal cry, collected myself, and continued on.

Finally, the last aid-station!!!!!! I was beyond excited to be out of the “mellow, flat section”. I needed to use the restroom. There were two at this aid-station. And the lines were 5 people deep. SERIOUSLY!!?? Then I realized they were all 25k’ers. OOOhhhh. Got it. At this point, I was walking in a delirious state, wanting to continue forward, yet needing to pee, but also wanting to lie down and sleep forever. After far too long, I went, came back out and saw a 50k woman runner heading out of the aid-station in front of me… That’s when I knew I had bonked pretty badly. I must have wasted a good 15 minutes in the “flat” section?? Most of which was bent over in a failed attempt to crawl into the fetal position. So, now that I had someone to chase, ONWARD!

This was the last great section. The section of 2 mountain climbs. Soldier up Moose Mountain, bomb back down, soldier up the switch-back of Mystery Mountain, bomb back down to the glorious road finish. Well, I caught back up to the 50k woman going up Moose. She was going at a slightly slower pace then I wanted to, but decided to just stick behind her and conserve. Once we got to the top, everything changed. I had a HUGE desire to finish strong. Like, “I am mud-trail-warrior, hear me roar, watch-out because I’m seriously not stopping until I get to the finish”

I passed the 50k woman and just started booking it. I came across A LOT of 25k’ers in those last 7 miles. It was sort of a challenge. I just kept saying every time I got close, “on your left!” or “on your right!” and they seemed to move. I didn’t collide or face-plant on anyone, so that was good. Bombing down Moose Mountain was fantastic. My body was in a state of complete runner’s high euphoria, so nothing hurt. Weird, right? It was like a 180 flip after bonking so badly in the last section. So I just went with it. No need to conserve anymore. This is what all of that conserving earlier on had been for! Push like there is no tomorrow to the finish!

After grabbing my lower back and stomping up the Mystery Mountain switch-back, it was “all down-hill” from there. Just cruised. Felt like I was flying. Came across some more 50k runners that had passed me a while ago. Cheered everyone on. Whooping and hollering. Big smiles. Lots of mud.

As I came out of the woods, and ran that last ¾ mile on the roads to the finish, a lot of things came to mind. First, was that I was insanely blessed to be finishing a 50k in happy spirits. Second, was the fact that my body DID NOT want to run on a flat surface. YIKES. Third, was that I couldn’t believe the race was almost over. Fourth, was that I knew I had dirt on my face because I could see it on my nose and cheek if I looked down.

And last, but not least, I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe that I would be finishing at the front of the female pack. Me. The girl who used to hate running. Who used to think that running 1 mile was pure torture and the concept of doing 5 was insane.

And now to be finishing a race on treacherous trail after running for 5 hours and 42 minutes.

Wildest dreams come true.

Everyone starts somewhere.

I believe that continued passion for active adventure leads to epic feats of human endurance.

Because after all, it’s just a 50k, right? J

Congrats to all of the other runners! And to the Storkamps for an amazing race day! Wouldn’t have been able to do it without the volunteers, either! Thanks to everyone that made the day awesome.

Cheers!

Good Grief

Oh, this winter is horrid and I’m completely sick of it. I waved my white flag in February. It’s now April. And still winter.

So, what will I talk about that will make this post not depressing?

My grief.

Ha. What? I’m going to talk about grief and somehow that will not be depressing?

Yep. Stick with me, here.

Today, my sister has been in Heaven just as long as she spent time with me and my family here on Earth.

13 years.

Dude. My brain is having a hard time wrapping around that. How could that much time have passed? I can still see her big, blue eyes, her huge smile and her snarky attitude appear right before my eyes. I haven’t lost any little bit of her, but it’s seriously been 13 years?

This is where the good comes into play. The way that this post will not end badly or sad. It’s what I think of as “good” grief. Thinking about every wonderful thing that has happened in my life that contains my sister.

Playing barbies, watching Disney movies, singing to Backstreet boys, Boyz II men, N-Sync, and 98 degrees. (HA!) Oh, and Celine Dion. We spent so much time cutting out pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio from countless teen magazines and ‘sticky-tacking’ them all to the wall. (yay Titanic!) Sometimes with blue sticky-tac that my mom hated because it left blue marks on the walls. Whoops! We would pull out our baby-books and photo albums and stare at all the pictures from when we were really little (like 1-3 years old) and laugh and laugh, even though we were still really little. I remember road trips to see family for holidays in our big conversion van, in the big bench seat in the back, sharing a portable CD player. Dad got us an adaptor, so we could each put in our own set of ginormous headphones to listen to the Backstreet Boys, Boyz-II-men, N-Sync or Celine Dion at the same time.

I remember watching her play the piano, so little, but so proud. And so much better than me! J Singing in church, as loud as we possibly could. Looking at each other around our Dad, and laughing. That giggle! I won’t ever forget that giggle. Sitting at the kitchen breakfast nook at my grandparents, eating Kix with about 5 tablespoons of sugar on the top, so then at the end you could basically eat all of the sugar that didn’t dissolve in the milk. I remember doing those paint by number posters that we worked on in the upstairs bathroom(?) of my grandparents farmhouse because the bathtub up there was really cool, according to Laura. It was pink. J

These little memories. They are so fantastic. And they are always the things I think about on this day. She was a gift. My awesome big sister.

See, I told you.

The good grief.

May these memories make you smile today, too. 

Hesitate

So, I haven't really been blogging that much lately. I made it a goal last year to blog once a week, and post something related to the news. I pretty much blogged every week, but I only made it til like June posting anything about the news. I got bored after that...

Anyways, since the beginning of this year, I've blogged like 3 times. Who cares, right? Well, I thought so, too. I got busy in January and let the blogging mind slide and kind of left it like that for most of February. I didn't feel compelled to plaster my random thoughts and verbage out there into cyber-space.

But after thinking about it, I stumbled across the real reason why. I was hesitant.

The last year and a half have been a reflection time for myself, a soul-searching, nitty-gritty, come-to-terms-awareness-of-myself sort of thing. It's hard to explain. Mostly, I feel like I'm being really selfish. Selfish now because I didn't take that time to "find myself" during college. I was too busy with my degree and working to pay for it, then to ever let myself think about what I wanted to do with it when it all ended. Yeah... good thing I was getting educated, right???

So, how does this all relate to me and blogging? Well, because blogging has become a way for me to express how I feel about the revolving door that is 'discovering my sense of self'. And when I'm not blogging, I'm not reflecting or working on trying to be a better version of myself.

Ah ha! Yeah. Light bulb for me, too.

That's when I realized I was being hesitant because I was getting worried that maybe other people would think "oh, she just talks about herself all the time... who really cares if she ran in the woods today or discovered that there are actually roses to stop and smell... she's just being really selfish..."

And now I know that is not the case. (well, maybe people do feel like that. ha) But it doesn't matter. This process in growing up, finding ways to love myself, and being true to the One who has brought me to be able to experience the life that I am living, is what matters.

And that is why I will boldly walk this random life, laughing whenever I can, singing at the top of my lungs in the car to Mumford and Sons every morning on my way to work regardless of who sees me, crying when I need to even if it's over something ridiculous, and loving with all of my heart even over the smallest of things.

So, cheers to being yourself every day! Who cares if that sounds lame. :)

Happy almost Friday.

Tantalizing

I was in Kentucky two weekends ago. It was grand. It was sunny and almost green and snow-less.

It is not green here. I can’t cross the street at some intersections because the snow-piles are too high. The temps are less then pleasant… Both of my windshield wiper squeegees have broken off from the ice... 

Oh dear, sweet winter, just go away. I’m sick of you and your coldness and grayness and lameness. You’re making me want to flee my favorite city!

So, I've gotten the ‘travel out of this depressing hole’ bug.

Sweet lands of green, sunshine, and warmth are calling my name. Plentiful happy trees, cool, dark earth, and lots of room to run in shorts.

Oh goodness. The tantalizing opportunity to be a ‘snow-bird’. Travel to warm areas while it sucks here, and then come back here when it’s the best time of year. I always disgraced these people for not being able to brave the dead of winter. Like put on some big-girl snow-pants and suck it up.

But seriously, I’m right there with them. I apologize for thinking you were less of a person then me. You’re actually quite smarter.  

I’m tucking away my big-girl snow-pants and waving the white-flag.

Winter. You have gotten the best of me.

Blast.

Cheers to those who are still treading water a midst the winter-blahs!

I've officially sunk. 

Starfish and Palm Trees

I’ve been waiting for a while to find the motivation to blog. The last month was pretty busy, and I took a little blogging hiatus. I still blogged in my head, but never took the time to sit down and write it out.

However, this weekend included an adventure of epic proportions truly worthy of blogging.

It all started about 3 weeks ago when a friend of mine threw out an obscure idea to me.

“Hey, want to run a 50k in Kentucky on February 9^th?”

Sunshine!? Dirt trails!!?? IN FEBRUARY!!!??

I thought about it for like a day before I said, “Heck yes! Sign me up!”

So, off we went on Thursday into the wild Wisconsin, Illinois and Indiana yonder to blaze some trails into Kentucky. The car ride was full of completely random stories, lots of cat naps (YES!) and the occasional sound of someone munching on 5 bananas…  Pure bliss, right? Oh, that was just the beginning.

On Saturday, race day, the cool, pre-dawn darkness was making me nervous. It was supposed to be sunny and 50 degrees! Why is it dark and 28?? Mid-February paradise in Kentucky! Hello, where were the starfish and palm trees!?

After being reminded that the sun would come up and make things warmer (what can I say, I was super nervous!?) the thought of running around outside, snow-free, sounded quite appetizing. Spurred on by some ridiculous early morning jokes, I shed a few layers and bravely stepped outside, in shorts. Bring it on, Kentucky. Bring. It. On.

The race began in a frozen blur. The sun was coming up, but 28 degrees is still chilly. It hadn’t really hit me that I was going to be running for the next bazillion hours. I was more mesmerized by the fact that I was in shorts, running on dirt, in February. Once I became a little bit more tuned in to my surroundings, the first aid station at 6 miles came up. What? Already? SWEET! I took a mental check at that point and assessed how I felt. A huge smile spread across my face. I felt fantastic. My body decided we were going to kick some Kentucky behind. I was praying I could hold on for the ride…

Fast forward 20 miles through the forest, around some ridges, through a few aid stations with mile-marker-identity-crisis, and you found me. Bent over at an aid station with a whine-y face not wanting to climb the next mountain pass. However, I had a good friend to randomly pop out of the woods at that exact bonking moment and graciously listen to me unload all of my scary mind-game feelings of “this is ridiculous, I don’t want to run anymore, who said this was a good idea, stupid hills, ugh.”  Needless to say, I ran through the crappy miles and lived. Onward!

So, the rest of the race was a mind over matter beast. I wanted to pause and enjoy the sunshine. Soak up the smell of the dirt and snow-free trees! But man, I found out pretty early in the race that I was at the front of the female pack. Seriously??? WHAT? I just kept pretending that at any moment a pack of girls would fly through the forest and take over the first 5 female places and I would be able to stop and smell the trail… So I kept pushing… Just in case…

And low and behold, the last aid station!!!! All that was left was a dramatically painfully 2 mile ascent to the finish. YES 2 MILES OF STRAIGHT UPHILL. Good thing I live in Duluth. SHEESH.

The post-race hang-out was truly a treat. Lots of good food, great friends, happy congratulations, and the rush of satisfaction after having completed a long race. Leaving your heart on the trails. So sweet.

So, thank you, Kentucky, for your glorious dirt hills, sunshine, and occasional starfish and palm tree.

Felt like paradise to me.

Cheers to all the people representing Minnesota! Was incredibly blessed to share the epic adventure with you. Until next time…  

The Not-So-Unexpected Big Picture

I believe happiness is found in unexpected moments of our every day life.

Lots of people have told me this over the years.You hear it in plenty of songs, too. "It's the little things" that make a difference, that you live for, that you want more of.

Well, yeah.

The little golden nuggets of pure bliss are not necessarily part of the every day norm. That is why they need to be cherished. Our lives were never set up to be overly joyous and happy. I don't mean that in a morose, depressing way, but just that it is the truth. The earth became tainted when Adam and Eve ate the fruit.

Euphoria became "the daily grind" because they sinned.

So... beautiful experiences that bring such joy should never truly be expected, because when they do happen, we can realize that God is blessing us at that exact moment. He is showing His true love for us by graciously giving us a moment of awesome.

- Like twirling in sparkle dresses with a 3.5 year old in front of a large mirror, and then getting horrendously beaten at a memory-card matching game later on in the evening, by the 3.5 year old.

- And witnessing a friend's over-the-top happiness as they kiss their significant other on New Year's Eve,

- And feeling a friend's baby kick and move around inside of her beautiful, pregnant belly,

- And coming to the realize while running under the stars that you don't need to keep fighting to find your own happiness anymore, because God knows when to dish the awesome.

While slogging through the snow filled streets tonight, I thought of a way to break it down. Every time I have a epiphany and feel like I'm looking at something from the "big picture", I gain a millimeter of extra space on my current view of where I'm headed in life. So, if I've had 8 good epiphanies a year for the last 5 years, I've gained 40 millimeters of extra enlightenment on my overall "big picture".

There are 10 millimeters in 1 centimeter. There are 2.54 centimeters in one inch.

Therefore, over the past 5 years, I've gained almost 2 inches...

God is infinite, and He..., well He created my 'big picture'

Who do you want to leave your life up to?

Yourself and all of two inches...

Or the one who can see everything...

Yeah. I know which one I'm picking. I hope you do, too.

Cheers

Comfort

I want to rant about feeling comfort, or being comfortable in random, every day acts of life. Finding comfort from someone, offering it to someone else, or feeling comfortable in what you do every day.

I have found that I don’t really like the phrase “out of your comfort zone”. It makes me feel like you’re about to hit some time-warp-headed-for-disaster sort of thing. Like whatever you are about to attempt is going to make you feel annoyed, bothered, or scared to the point of peeing your pants. Great, right?

Not so much.

Rightly so, why wouldn’t you gravitate towards something that actually made you feel good? Why not attempt to do that? That sounds way better then having an accident…

Well, what if what you REALLY want to do is only attained by doing something slightly lame or taxing beforehand, as a stepping stone.

Yeah. That is what I’m talking about.

The nitty-gritty “ugh, I don’t want to do this… but I know that it will help me in the long run… ugh… whine… whine more…”

I really believe that this whole concept is a continual cycle, set up by Jesus, to make us help each other out. There will always be someone you know that is in the “icky” phase attempting to achieve the “comfortable” phase. And you, yourself, I’m sure, have been there, too. So, finding a way to comfort and offer support for someone else may one day lead to receiving it in return.

See the cycle?

Yeah. Me too.

So what is it that I really want to say on this topic of comfort?...

I guess it’s just to be aware. You never know how much you can change someone’s day by replying in a nice tone and taking an extra few minutes to listen to a story (that you really could care less about) but will put a smile on their face.

Who knows!  You’ll probably have a lame story to share tomorrow as well.

Cheers to Wednesday! May everyone make it over the dreaded mid-week hump. 

Loss

Today was just another day for me. Same old Friday. Went to work. Did some Christmas shopping. Overall uneventful.

For over 30 families out east, today will be a day that is never forgotten. A day that changes everything. A loved one lost, a family forever less then whole. Holiday celebrations completely trashed. Future birthdays never to be celebrated in a way that is tangible and exciting.

Loss.

I almost lost it at work today. My throat constricted and my eyes welled up. The pain of loss was very apparent and it was hard to breathe as I read the news. I had a hard time finishing the day without being a total space cadet. My heart hurts. It brings me back to the unexpected terror of knowing that a special person in your life will never be coming back. The raw, paralyzing pain of despair.

It makes me sick.

I want to say that I couldn't believe something so awful could happen. But it did. And it has before. And it will again in the future. This world is never going to stop being awful. It will only deteriorate more until Christ comes to take us home to Him.

So what the heck do we do in the mean time? What can possibly be said to rationalize the murder of little children?

Nothing really comes to my mind.

All I know is that I will be praying, really hard, for the families out east. The ones who will now be living the rest of their lives without getting to see their child grow up.

I hope you will pray for them, too.

Honesty

Theme. This has been the theme of the last week. And it’s ridiculous how many things can be revealed when you look at them… honestly…

I strive to be an honest person. But the key word in that phrase is ‘strive’, meaning it doesn’t always happen. The moment you give up the clarity that comes with being honest, is the moment you will regret whatever happens next. I feel like I’m speaking slightly in code… but I think you know what I mean.

Turning your eyes away from a situation that you don’t want to deal with and rationalizing that situation in your head to turn it in your favor, doesn’t really ever bring true peace. It just prolongs the truth from revealing itself, thereby creating new issues until you are knee deep in a lie (not necessarily a fabrication, but a situation that you really don't want to be a part of), begging for someone to figure it out so you can be set free.

Now, throughout this last week I cannot pinpoint major instances that I have been telling lies (I know, you’re all waiting for juicy secrets to be revealed), but by thinking about what I wanted to rant about this week, honesty and truth came to mind.  Hoping to maybe inspire myself and others to find a way to tell the truth, let go of something that maybe has been weighing on your mind.

Ok, example:

I spoke with an old friend of mine this week, one that I haven’t spoken to since like 2007. I know, crazy blast-from-the-past reconnection!!! Anyways, there were a couple of points that we touched on that completely shot holes through my own perceptions of, and got me thinking about, my family in a different perspective, my job in a new light, and how where I’m living really makes me feel.

I didn’t sugar-coat anything during that conversation. Just straight up BOOM

TRUTH.

And in my opinion, you have to do that every once in a while to get a grasp-on and savor the beautiful life that you are walking through.

Without it, unique experiences and renewed perspective on the same-old, same-old may never happen.

So, go ruminate on your life and find little nuggets of awesomeness that you might not have thought existed this morning.

Cheers

In the dark

Ok. A few words on night running. In a neighborhood full of dogs, never run without a headlamp. You will for surely get eaten.

I had an epic adventure last night as I was cruising through the cul-de-sacs of my happy little neighborhood. Unfortunately, this is not because I had an amazing running buddy by my side, or because I helped an old lady cross the street in the dark, or because I face-planted in the moonlight. (I know you were all waiting for that one)

Nope. It became epic when I started getting chased by multiple dogs, while simultaneously being barked at to the point of irrational fear. In the dark.

Yes, I know I should not have been wearing all black as to impersonate a stealth ninja, and yes, it was my fault for not wearing my headlamp. But come on, does that really mean that I have to be tackled, growled and barked at for running near the beasts? I didn’t really want to stealthily capture all the doggies in the neighborhood, I swear.

Yet I supposedly gave off a strong, “eat me” odor to about 7 different dogs during my run. Yes, 7. I counted. 4 yellow lab-ish looking dogs, 1 very angry terrier looking thing, and 2 fluffy-punt-me-if-you-can squirrelly pups. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. But for some reason, since I’m invading their territory by running, they bound towards me in return with fangs bared looking to devour my calves. And with all my endorphins and nerves amplified, the incessant barking and growling makes me want to scream slightly hysterically and flee… fast.

I did, however, make it home in one piece. No limbs were eaten. But I learned an epic lesson:

Wear a headlamp in the dark (duh) and when you don’t, run really fast.

Happy Thanksgiving week! Hope everyone has an amazingly awesome time eating food, watching football, and napping!

Oh, and most importantly, say thank you to Jesus for allowing you to do so.

Cheers

Bored

The feeling of accomplishment never lingers as long as you think it should.

Working on a project, doesn’t matter what it is, can make any lame day purposeful. Yet, finishing that project and still having to trudge on, now project-less, just sort-of sucks. The days don’t seem as meaningful and the ever hated question, “What am I doing?” rolls around in my mind wrecking havoc on my bored soul. Needless to say, it’s not really a delightful pick me up…

Why can’t I be content with the daily grind?  (I know, kind of a stupid question)

This question has plagued my heart for the last year. This is a struggle-fest that I’m developing a hefty loathing for because I honestly can’t figure it out or make it go away. I have a desire to be involved in work that means something, or is creating/developing change for someone else. Technically, I’m doing that, but entering data into the computer doesn’t help me maintain any self-worth. Totally just makes me feel like a monkey that anyone could come and replace with another monkey and no one would know what happened.

Bleh. That is morosely negative and depressing.

Anyways, you know what I mean. Boring job + no project = too much time to think

So, I’m sure you’re screaming by now, “GET A PROJECT GOING THEN!” I know. This phrase is shouting in my head constantly when I’m in my pajamas at 7pm watching Scrubs on Netflix. (yeah, I totally just said that) But I’m being stubborn and particular about which projects I want to do. Now isn’t that just stupid… Especially since divulging into pretty much ANYTHING at the moment will help satiate my bored soul with meaningfulness.

I have a phrase taped up in my cubicle. It goes something like this:

"Dream big, DAGNABBIT. Then, get off your tuckus and take action daily."

I need to duct-tape this to my forehead, I think. Then, everyone who comes near me can read it off my face and maybe I will become motivated when the 10^th person tells me to get off my tuckus and DO SOMETHING.

Ok, I think I just found myself a project…

Cheers to Wednesday. Hope everyone makes it over the hump.

Live for Him

I don’t feel like I am living my life for Christ on a daily basis.

TRUTH.

Why not? What is holding me back from giving up my life to serve Him?

My own thoughts and ambitions. Simple as that. I am trying to figure out what “my career” should be, and while doing so, I am turning everything inward on MYSELF.

THIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG.

TRUTH.

Christ is asking me to put all of my confidence in HIM to live each day. ALL OF MY TRUST. Not in my money, not in my job, not in my food, not in my drink, not in my running, not in my writing, not in my own brain power, not in my own ANYTHING.

I need to devote my LIFE to HIM.

I am struggling with this concept, hard core. It is not easy for my brain to wrap around it anymore. I once grew up believing that I was walking in Christ’s footsteps every day, because I was surrounded by many Christians who believed the same things I did, so I had no reason to think I wasn’t living my life for Christ.

But now, I live and work in an environment that is SO NOT OF MY SAME FAITH. This may sound ridiculously obvious, but is now sticking out to me like a sore thumb. Not in the sense that I am any better than anyone for believing that Jesus is my Savior. No. What is clearly sticking out to me is how I’ve decided to “blend-in” and “go with the flow” on daily matters and interactions in my office space when I could be witnessing. Am I living and acting in a way that anyone would think I am a Christian? Would they be able to set me apart and say to themselves after they have had a conversation with me, “I know she is a believer”.

If I was to be honest with myself, and this makes my heart HURT, they might not think so.

A co-worker of mine found out I was a Christian via my blog. Not because I had been getting to know her better for the last couple months.

This is like a Homer Simpson “DOH” moment times ten, where I slap my palm to my forehead in a disgusted tone. REALLY? I’ve been acting that ridiculously stupid at work, that in my own daily actions, this person couldn’t tell I was a Christian? They had to learn I was via the internet?

UGH.

COMPLETE LAME SAUCE FAILURE.

So now is the time for a RADICAL change of my every day actions.

Christ did not come to this earth to set up a “religion” of people to practice prayers and sing songs in a certain way. No.

Christ came to earth to set up His Kingdom.  

Going against the grain to live a life for Christ is never, ever going to be easy. It shouldn’t be. He is asking us to pursue Him in a way that is completely backwards to whatever majority says.

So, I want to look myself in the mirror EACH MORNING and remember that I am saved by the grace of God and LIVE AND WORK each day accordingly.

I repeatedly act like an insanely stupid Christian, yet I am still saved.

HOW FANTASTIC IS THIS LOVE HE HAS FOR ME!!!???

The morning after...

So this weekend... I hung out in the woods for a while and ran around a bit... 32 miles later, I finished a task that to me had always seemed rather impossible.

Well, hello there ultramarathon! It's nice to meet you...

I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into. When a good friend of mine said that we should do the Wild Duluth 50k together, I immediately said, "WOOOO! Yes please!" and then sort of forgot about it because I was really just going along with the insane idea during the car ride. Ha.

But of course, the thought stuck with me. What would it be like? The Hercules "Go the Distance" song came to mind- "I can go the distance, I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong. I know every mile will be worth my while"...

STOP.

REMIX.

Around mile 28 it went something like:

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?!!!!!!!!????" and

"THIS IS BY FAR THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO DO. EVER!!!"

Needless to say, my body was desperate to stop. No more cookies, peanut butter sandwiches, grapes or Mountain Lightning (yes, this is a trail race, Mountain Dew is too 'high class') were going to make me feel like going any farther. Bless my crew-woman, "Just a 5k, Andrea, all you have left is a little more then a 5k". And I'm completely thinking, "5K MY ASS" "I don't want to run anymore, who wants to run anymore?"

But I couldn't stop. I had to finish. I was not about to let 5 and a half hours of trail running go down the tubes...

OH, BUT IT HURT SO BAD

Somehow, I chugged a little more Mountain Lightning (barf, but it was the 'nectar of the gods' on Sat.) and waddled up to Enger Tower, because it was all down-hill from there...

One would think down-hill would be great by then! WOOO HOOO. Rollll it down-hill! Heck yes!

Ah, not so much. It felt more like stabbing knives in my quads. Or like a 3 year old pushing really hard on a purple bruise on your leg and laughing because it makes you double over in pain. Yeah, something like that.

But I made it. Stumbled down the hill and crossed the finish line in Bayfront. I had two great friends there to congratulate me on finishing. No huge throngs of people. No loud cheering. Just a few happy faces and the volunteers for Bentleyville watching on with crazed looks on their faces...

And the joy of running became completely apparent as I woke up on Sunday and couldn't move.

Literally. Looked from side to side as I'm face down in my pillow and thought to myself, "I can't get up" Like the movie "The Christmas Story" where the younger brother is wrapped up in 3 snow-suits and can't put his arms down and when he gets outside, he falls over and is rolling all over the ground and yelling to Ralphie, "I can't get up!! Ralphie, I can't get up!" Yeah. Something like that...

Suits me right. I kind of asked for it...

I just love running

Cheers!

Go do something you've never done and be happy about it

Real Food

I have been reading the book “In Defense of Food” by Michael Pollan. It is quite awesome and if you ever get the chance to read it, please do. I think you will find yourself enlightened.

I did at least.

It is all about how our food has become processed to the point of not being ‘food’ anymore, but rather ‘food products’ because of the added ingredients coming from mostly corn and soybeans.

Sad. And gross.

It makes me want to flee the city, buy a small house with lots of acres, run my own organic farm, and live off the grid in happy-contented-hippie solitude.

Yeah, I know. The hippie thing. I need to let it go. But I just don’t want to. My idea of hippiedom does not involve any growing of a certain plant associated with that era. I do like long skirts, basically because they feel like pajamas, and I will occasionally flash a peace sign to strangers who honk their horn at me while I’m running.

The real reason why I have an internal desire to be a hippie is because I associate it in my mind to some sort of living freedom. Freedom from the confines of my lame cubicle walls, lame desk job, and everything else related to working for a huge conglomerate corporation that is slowly sucking the life out of me. 

Yep. Living on a farm sustaining myself with nature sounds WAY BETTER!

So, I leave you with this:

‘Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.’

I feel our entire nation would be happier if we at least tried to abide by those rules.

Cheers to Friday! May your weekend be filled with some epic version of good, nurturing, soul food. 

Pace

Let it be known that I love Mumford and Sons. I would gladly feed their pet dogs or turtles (if they have any) in exchange for hearing them play live. Yes. I would. Don’t judge me.

As it so happens, their new album came out last week and I have been listening to it constantly since Sept. 25th when I received it in the mail, at work, because I pre-ordered it that way. Again, I love Mumford and Sons.

Because I've been listening to it straight for the last week, all of the songs are on repeat in my brain whenever I am not listening to them. The only time this occurs is when I am running, because I like listening to nature when I run. Well, nature sounds have taken refuge for a different day in the future when the Mumford songs in my head have taken a break. (who knows when that will be) Anyways, I digress. The moral of my story is that whatever I have been doing for the past week has been done while Mumford is blasting loudly in my ears with our without headphones.

Yesterday was no different. Every Wednesday for a few weeks in the fall, there are trail races that take place all over Duluth. You pay $1 and run a race, ranging from 3 miles to upwards of 6 miles. THIS IS THE BEST USE OF YOUR MONEY IN DULUTH. In my opinion, at least. :) And so, being that it was Wednesday yesterday, I got to run in the woods with friends and at the same time, have Mumford on repeat.

The race was in a little nature area by the UMD campus. One that has forever been used for 5k’s promoting spring and fall health to the many college students. I’ve ran the course a few other times. It has usually kicked my behind because they make you run 2 laps in this nature area while scaling the same mountain hill, twice. I don’t like running laps, because what usually happens to me is that I blast through the first lap, and die a slow running death during the second lap. Yeah. Painful.

Except that last night was different. I had just finished a ridiculously stupid day at work and had a bit of pent-up energy. I bicycled to the race, was good and warm, had an amazing cheering section there for me, and took off when they said ‘go’. I didn’t think about the lame hills ahead. I just paced myself to what felt good. I paced myself to the music of Mumford. And when I was racing up the mountain hill (twice) and all the blood was running to other parts of my body, which left me deaf in one ear, (yes, really, I lose hearing in my right ear when I’m running as hard as I can) I made it to the top without stopping. Because I was pacing to the beautiful music of Mumford. Bless them.

I hope all of you have a band that makes you just as happy. If you don’t, start listening to Mumford. They will make your heart happy.

I promise.

Really, go now, and check out their new album. Especially tracks 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 12.

Cheers!

Today

When I first took my job, I vowed to never become de-sensitized. I did not want to lose perspective on what I thought was meaningful or difficult for someone else.

I work in a cancer department.

How naïve can I get??!!!

Yes, I guess I have become a bit de-sensitized. It is the only way to continue living without sobbing in my cubicle every day. I do not want to lose myself in the midst of crazy, heart-wrenching tragedy that sweeps through the office every day. It hurts too much to bear the load of other patients and families grief, much less my own.

Because life is not fair. This truth is made evident to me when a patient of only 20 years passes away in his sleep because the cancer infesting his body was too strong. Jesus took him home, where he definitely belonged. And then right in my cube, I broke down as I started to think about the family who had just lost someone. A family who is so happy to have their son home with Jesus, but so devastated because it means they have to live without him. That pain is too close to my heart. I want to wrap them all up in a blanket of peace, for that is what I always wished for when I was young.

Peace from the pain.

It is a stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of moment. Where else can you be reminded of the fleeting days of this earthly life so regularly? Please, someone else give me an example…

I know, I’m getting too deep. A little dark, perhaps.

I just have to write it out. Put these feelings into space because they are too much for me to carry alone in my heart. Jesus wants us to look to Him for strength and guidance during these times of tragedy and still during times of happy pleasure. 

Well, today is an icky one. And I am looking to Him to get me through again until tomorrow, when the light will rise up from over the lake and shed a beautiful new day upon my soul.

Cheers to those already with Jesus! 

Humming...

My weekend supremely trumped last weekend by a bajillion.

I finally got into the woods! HECK YES! (I know, I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my beloved woods… too bad…) And it was absolutely gorgeous. Sunshine. Colorful trees. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Hammock. Stars.

Ahhh, the luxurious-ness of being away from people.

So, what does one do in the woods by themselves?

Well…

I hiked about 19 miles on Saturday. I just kept moving. I didn’t really want to stop. It was like my body’s way of releasing so much tension from the past couple months and the only way to satisfy the craving for relaxation was… more hiking! (ba dum…chink!) And the only way to keep myself from getting spooked was just to exhaust myself to the point of collapsing at the end of the day so I wouldn’t worry about being mauled by a large beastly animal. This is very much a true statement.

And what do I think about with that much ‘me’ time?

This is the cool part.

Everything and nothing. First, random life-happenings start shooting through my brain, (my worries and cares of my life and the people I love) but I acknowledge each thought and throw it out of my head. Really. That is what happens. It’s a funneling process of de-bulking the heavy load of regular life from my mind, not forgetting about it, but dealing with each item and letting them go.

When everything channels through, (it doesn’t take as long as you think) that is when the humming starts. The real beautiful music of the woods. You can hear SO much stuff! By letting go of those intermittent real life thoughts, nothing clogs the beautiful music of nature. It’s incredible. I know I sound like a hippie-dippie-tree-hugger… but it’s so true.

It’s when I feel most connected to what God is really asking of me here on earth. I cannot change what goes on in my life from day to day nor can I change other people’s lives from day to day. And when I finally get myself into the trees, and release the tension of what I am trying to fix on my own, I get the best sense of ‘giving it up’ to Him. For He is the one who has my best interests in mind with every decision that is made.

Pretty sweet, right?

That is why I love the woods. They always bring me back to Jesus.