In the dark

Ok. A few words on night running. In a neighborhood full of dogs, never run without a headlamp. You will for surely get eaten.

I had an epic adventure last night as I was cruising through the cul-de-sacs of my happy little neighborhood. Unfortunately, this is not because I had an amazing running buddy by my side, or because I helped an old lady cross the street in the dark, or because I face-planted in the moonlight. (I know you were all waiting for that one)

Nope. It became epic when I started getting chased by multiple dogs, while simultaneously being barked at to the point of irrational fear. In the dark.

Yes, I know I should not have been wearing all black as to impersonate a stealth ninja, and yes, it was my fault for not wearing my headlamp. But come on, does that really mean that I have to be tackled, growled and barked at for running near the beasts? I didn’t really want to stealthily capture all the doggies in the neighborhood, I swear.

Yet I supposedly gave off a strong, “eat me” odor to about 7 different dogs during my run. Yes, 7. I counted. 4 yellow lab-ish looking dogs, 1 very angry terrier looking thing, and 2 fluffy-punt-me-if-you-can squirrelly pups. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. But for some reason, since I’m invading their territory by running, they bound towards me in return with fangs bared looking to devour my calves. And with all my endorphins and nerves amplified, the incessant barking and growling makes me want to scream slightly hysterically and flee… fast.

I did, however, make it home in one piece. No limbs were eaten. But I learned an epic lesson:

Wear a headlamp in the dark (duh) and when you don’t, run really fast.

Happy Thanksgiving week! Hope everyone has an amazingly awesome time eating food, watching football, and napping!

Oh, and most importantly, say thank you to Jesus for allowing you to do so.

Cheers

Bored

The feeling of accomplishment never lingers as long as you think it should.

Working on a project, doesn’t matter what it is, can make any lame day purposeful. Yet, finishing that project and still having to trudge on, now project-less, just sort-of sucks. The days don’t seem as meaningful and the ever hated question, “What am I doing?” rolls around in my mind wrecking havoc on my bored soul. Needless to say, it’s not really a delightful pick me up…

Why can’t I be content with the daily grind?  (I know, kind of a stupid question)

This question has plagued my heart for the last year. This is a struggle-fest that I’m developing a hefty loathing for because I honestly can’t figure it out or make it go away. I have a desire to be involved in work that means something, or is creating/developing change for someone else. Technically, I’m doing that, but entering data into the computer doesn’t help me maintain any self-worth. Totally just makes me feel like a monkey that anyone could come and replace with another monkey and no one would know what happened.

Bleh. That is morosely negative and depressing.

Anyways, you know what I mean. Boring job + no project = too much time to think

So, I’m sure you’re screaming by now, “GET A PROJECT GOING THEN!” I know. This phrase is shouting in my head constantly when I’m in my pajamas at 7pm watching Scrubs on Netflix. (yeah, I totally just said that) But I’m being stubborn and particular about which projects I want to do. Now isn’t that just stupid… Especially since divulging into pretty much ANYTHING at the moment will help satiate my bored soul with meaningfulness.

I have a phrase taped up in my cubicle. It goes something like this:

"Dream big, DAGNABBIT. Then, get off your tuckus and take action daily."

I need to duct-tape this to my forehead, I think. Then, everyone who comes near me can read it off my face and maybe I will become motivated when the 10^th person tells me to get off my tuckus and DO SOMETHING.

Ok, I think I just found myself a project…

Cheers to Wednesday. Hope everyone makes it over the hump.

Live for Him

I don’t feel like I am living my life for Christ on a daily basis.

TRUTH.

Why not? What is holding me back from giving up my life to serve Him?

My own thoughts and ambitions. Simple as that. I am trying to figure out what “my career” should be, and while doing so, I am turning everything inward on MYSELF.

THIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG.

TRUTH.

Christ is asking me to put all of my confidence in HIM to live each day. ALL OF MY TRUST. Not in my money, not in my job, not in my food, not in my drink, not in my running, not in my writing, not in my own brain power, not in my own ANYTHING.

I need to devote my LIFE to HIM.

I am struggling with this concept, hard core. It is not easy for my brain to wrap around it anymore. I once grew up believing that I was walking in Christ’s footsteps every day, because I was surrounded by many Christians who believed the same things I did, so I had no reason to think I wasn’t living my life for Christ.

But now, I live and work in an environment that is SO NOT OF MY SAME FAITH. This may sound ridiculously obvious, but is now sticking out to me like a sore thumb. Not in the sense that I am any better than anyone for believing that Jesus is my Savior. No. What is clearly sticking out to me is how I’ve decided to “blend-in” and “go with the flow” on daily matters and interactions in my office space when I could be witnessing. Am I living and acting in a way that anyone would think I am a Christian? Would they be able to set me apart and say to themselves after they have had a conversation with me, “I know she is a believer”.

If I was to be honest with myself, and this makes my heart HURT, they might not think so.

A co-worker of mine found out I was a Christian via my blog. Not because I had been getting to know her better for the last couple months.

This is like a Homer Simpson “DOH” moment times ten, where I slap my palm to my forehead in a disgusted tone. REALLY? I’ve been acting that ridiculously stupid at work, that in my own daily actions, this person couldn’t tell I was a Christian? They had to learn I was via the internet?

UGH.

COMPLETE LAME SAUCE FAILURE.

So now is the time for a RADICAL change of my every day actions.

Christ did not come to this earth to set up a “religion” of people to practice prayers and sing songs in a certain way. No.

Christ came to earth to set up His Kingdom.  

Going against the grain to live a life for Christ is never, ever going to be easy. It shouldn’t be. He is asking us to pursue Him in a way that is completely backwards to whatever majority says.

So, I want to look myself in the mirror EACH MORNING and remember that I am saved by the grace of God and LIVE AND WORK each day accordingly.

I repeatedly act like an insanely stupid Christian, yet I am still saved.

HOW FANTASTIC IS THIS LOVE HE HAS FOR ME!!!???

The morning after...

So this weekend... I hung out in the woods for a while and ran around a bit... 32 miles later, I finished a task that to me had always seemed rather impossible.

Well, hello there ultramarathon! It's nice to meet you...

I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into. When a good friend of mine said that we should do the Wild Duluth 50k together, I immediately said, "WOOOO! Yes please!" and then sort of forgot about it because I was really just going along with the insane idea during the car ride. Ha.

But of course, the thought stuck with me. What would it be like? The Hercules "Go the Distance" song came to mind- "I can go the distance, I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong. I know every mile will be worth my while"...

STOP.

REMIX.

Around mile 28 it went something like:

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?!!!!!!!!????" and

"THIS IS BY FAR THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO DO. EVER!!!"

Needless to say, my body was desperate to stop. No more cookies, peanut butter sandwiches, grapes or Mountain Lightning (yes, this is a trail race, Mountain Dew is too 'high class') were going to make me feel like going any farther. Bless my crew-woman, "Just a 5k, Andrea, all you have left is a little more then a 5k". And I'm completely thinking, "5K MY ASS" "I don't want to run anymore, who wants to run anymore?"

But I couldn't stop. I had to finish. I was not about to let 5 and a half hours of trail running go down the tubes...

OH, BUT IT HURT SO BAD

Somehow, I chugged a little more Mountain Lightning (barf, but it was the 'nectar of the gods' on Sat.) and waddled up to Enger Tower, because it was all down-hill from there...

One would think down-hill would be great by then! WOOO HOOO. Rollll it down-hill! Heck yes!

Ah, not so much. It felt more like stabbing knives in my quads. Or like a 3 year old pushing really hard on a purple bruise on your leg and laughing because it makes you double over in pain. Yeah, something like that.

But I made it. Stumbled down the hill and crossed the finish line in Bayfront. I had two great friends there to congratulate me on finishing. No huge throngs of people. No loud cheering. Just a few happy faces and the volunteers for Bentleyville watching on with crazed looks on their faces...

And the joy of running became completely apparent as I woke up on Sunday and couldn't move.

Literally. Looked from side to side as I'm face down in my pillow and thought to myself, "I can't get up" Like the movie "The Christmas Story" where the younger brother is wrapped up in 3 snow-suits and can't put his arms down and when he gets outside, he falls over and is rolling all over the ground and yelling to Ralphie, "I can't get up!! Ralphie, I can't get up!" Yeah. Something like that...

Suits me right. I kind of asked for it...

I just love running

Cheers!

Go do something you've never done and be happy about it

Real Food

I have been reading the book “In Defense of Food” by Michael Pollan. It is quite awesome and if you ever get the chance to read it, please do. I think you will find yourself enlightened.

I did at least.

It is all about how our food has become processed to the point of not being ‘food’ anymore, but rather ‘food products’ because of the added ingredients coming from mostly corn and soybeans.

Sad. And gross.

It makes me want to flee the city, buy a small house with lots of acres, run my own organic farm, and live off the grid in happy-contented-hippie solitude.

Yeah, I know. The hippie thing. I need to let it go. But I just don’t want to. My idea of hippiedom does not involve any growing of a certain plant associated with that era. I do like long skirts, basically because they feel like pajamas, and I will occasionally flash a peace sign to strangers who honk their horn at me while I’m running.

The real reason why I have an internal desire to be a hippie is because I associate it in my mind to some sort of living freedom. Freedom from the confines of my lame cubicle walls, lame desk job, and everything else related to working for a huge conglomerate corporation that is slowly sucking the life out of me. 

Yep. Living on a farm sustaining myself with nature sounds WAY BETTER!

So, I leave you with this:

‘Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.’

I feel our entire nation would be happier if we at least tried to abide by those rules.

Cheers to Friday! May your weekend be filled with some epic version of good, nurturing, soul food. 

Pace

Let it be known that I love Mumford and Sons. I would gladly feed their pet dogs or turtles (if they have any) in exchange for hearing them play live. Yes. I would. Don’t judge me.

As it so happens, their new album came out last week and I have been listening to it constantly since Sept. 25th when I received it in the mail, at work, because I pre-ordered it that way. Again, I love Mumford and Sons.

Because I've been listening to it straight for the last week, all of the songs are on repeat in my brain whenever I am not listening to them. The only time this occurs is when I am running, because I like listening to nature when I run. Well, nature sounds have taken refuge for a different day in the future when the Mumford songs in my head have taken a break. (who knows when that will be) Anyways, I digress. The moral of my story is that whatever I have been doing for the past week has been done while Mumford is blasting loudly in my ears with our without headphones.

Yesterday was no different. Every Wednesday for a few weeks in the fall, there are trail races that take place all over Duluth. You pay $1 and run a race, ranging from 3 miles to upwards of 6 miles. THIS IS THE BEST USE OF YOUR MONEY IN DULUTH. In my opinion, at least. :) And so, being that it was Wednesday yesterday, I got to run in the woods with friends and at the same time, have Mumford on repeat.

The race was in a little nature area by the UMD campus. One that has forever been used for 5k’s promoting spring and fall health to the many college students. I’ve ran the course a few other times. It has usually kicked my behind because they make you run 2 laps in this nature area while scaling the same mountain hill, twice. I don’t like running laps, because what usually happens to me is that I blast through the first lap, and die a slow running death during the second lap. Yeah. Painful.

Except that last night was different. I had just finished a ridiculously stupid day at work and had a bit of pent-up energy. I bicycled to the race, was good and warm, had an amazing cheering section there for me, and took off when they said ‘go’. I didn’t think about the lame hills ahead. I just paced myself to what felt good. I paced myself to the music of Mumford. And when I was racing up the mountain hill (twice) and all the blood was running to other parts of my body, which left me deaf in one ear, (yes, really, I lose hearing in my right ear when I’m running as hard as I can) I made it to the top without stopping. Because I was pacing to the beautiful music of Mumford. Bless them.

I hope all of you have a band that makes you just as happy. If you don’t, start listening to Mumford. They will make your heart happy.

I promise.

Really, go now, and check out their new album. Especially tracks 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 12.

Cheers!

Today

When I first took my job, I vowed to never become de-sensitized. I did not want to lose perspective on what I thought was meaningful or difficult for someone else.

I work in a cancer department.

How naïve can I get??!!!

Yes, I guess I have become a bit de-sensitized. It is the only way to continue living without sobbing in my cubicle every day. I do not want to lose myself in the midst of crazy, heart-wrenching tragedy that sweeps through the office every day. It hurts too much to bear the load of other patients and families grief, much less my own.

Because life is not fair. This truth is made evident to me when a patient of only 20 years passes away in his sleep because the cancer infesting his body was too strong. Jesus took him home, where he definitely belonged. And then right in my cube, I broke down as I started to think about the family who had just lost someone. A family who is so happy to have their son home with Jesus, but so devastated because it means they have to live without him. That pain is too close to my heart. I want to wrap them all up in a blanket of peace, for that is what I always wished for when I was young.

Peace from the pain.

It is a stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of moment. Where else can you be reminded of the fleeting days of this earthly life so regularly? Please, someone else give me an example…

I know, I’m getting too deep. A little dark, perhaps.

I just have to write it out. Put these feelings into space because they are too much for me to carry alone in my heart. Jesus wants us to look to Him for strength and guidance during these times of tragedy and still during times of happy pleasure. 

Well, today is an icky one. And I am looking to Him to get me through again until tomorrow, when the light will rise up from over the lake and shed a beautiful new day upon my soul.

Cheers to those already with Jesus!