Today

When I first took my job, I vowed to never become de-sensitized. I did not want to lose perspective on what I thought was meaningful or difficult for someone else.

I work in a cancer department.

How naïve can I get??!!!

Yes, I guess I have become a bit de-sensitized. It is the only way to continue living without sobbing in my cubicle every day. I do not want to lose myself in the midst of crazy, heart-wrenching tragedy that sweeps through the office every day. It hurts too much to bear the load of other patients and families grief, much less my own.

Because life is not fair. This truth is made evident to me when a patient of only 20 years passes away in his sleep because the cancer infesting his body was too strong. Jesus took him home, where he definitely belonged. And then right in my cube, I broke down as I started to think about the family who had just lost someone. A family who is so happy to have their son home with Jesus, but so devastated because it means they have to live without him. That pain is too close to my heart. I want to wrap them all up in a blanket of peace, for that is what I always wished for when I was young.

Peace from the pain.

It is a stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of moment. Where else can you be reminded of the fleeting days of this earthly life so regularly? Please, someone else give me an example…

I know, I’m getting too deep. A little dark, perhaps.

I just have to write it out. Put these feelings into space because they are too much for me to carry alone in my heart. Jesus wants us to look to Him for strength and guidance during these times of tragedy and still during times of happy pleasure. 

Well, today is an icky one. And I am looking to Him to get me through again until tomorrow, when the light will rise up from over the lake and shed a beautiful new day upon my soul.

Cheers to those already with Jesus! 

Humming...

My weekend supremely trumped last weekend by a bajillion.

I finally got into the woods! HECK YES! (I know, I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my beloved woods… too bad…) And it was absolutely gorgeous. Sunshine. Colorful trees. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Hammock. Stars.

Ahhh, the luxurious-ness of being away from people.

So, what does one do in the woods by themselves?

Well…

I hiked about 19 miles on Saturday. I just kept moving. I didn’t really want to stop. It was like my body’s way of releasing so much tension from the past couple months and the only way to satisfy the craving for relaxation was… more hiking! (ba dum…chink!) And the only way to keep myself from getting spooked was just to exhaust myself to the point of collapsing at the end of the day so I wouldn’t worry about being mauled by a large beastly animal. This is very much a true statement.

And what do I think about with that much ‘me’ time?

This is the cool part.

Everything and nothing. First, random life-happenings start shooting through my brain, (my worries and cares of my life and the people I love) but I acknowledge each thought and throw it out of my head. Really. That is what happens. It’s a funneling process of de-bulking the heavy load of regular life from my mind, not forgetting about it, but dealing with each item and letting them go.

When everything channels through, (it doesn’t take as long as you think) that is when the humming starts. The real beautiful music of the woods. You can hear SO much stuff! By letting go of those intermittent real life thoughts, nothing clogs the beautiful music of nature. It’s incredible. I know I sound like a hippie-dippie-tree-hugger… but it’s so true.

It’s when I feel most connected to what God is really asking of me here on earth. I cannot change what goes on in my life from day to day nor can I change other people’s lives from day to day. And when I finally get myself into the trees, and release the tension of what I am trying to fix on my own, I get the best sense of ‘giving it up’ to Him. For He is the one who has my best interests in mind with every decision that is made.

Pretty sweet, right?

That is why I love the woods. They always bring me back to Jesus. 

Rain trek

My itch to engorge myself in the wooded bliss of the north shore has been present since early this summer. I finally had the chance to fill up my pack with goodies, my sleeping bag, and my hammock and high-tail it into the woods after so many weekends of... not.

During my ride up the shore, I know this sounds extremely cheesy, but I, in all meaning of the phrase, 'let my hair down'. In all honesty, my forehead relaxed and I was laughing to myself in delight because of the shear amount of relief I was feeling. The sun was coming up over the lake and it was so beautiful. I was ridiculously pumped to grab my pack and fly right into glorious nature.

The minute I parked at one of the trail parking lots, I picked up my bag and set off with dreams of happy trails and hammock reading and oatmeal eating in the cool morning and the smells of all that is good in nature.

Fifteen minutes later, with visions of trees dancing around in my head...

It started pouring.

And continued to pour for the next two hours...

Oh my goodness I was so sad. I was getting completely soaked and the only thing I could think about was how I wanted to continue hiking for the next 8 hours.

Hmmm, then I got to a clearing and looked over the trees to see a massive array of grey clouds. Not helping.

That is when I actually started thinking about what I wanted to do. Keep blazing ahead and magically make the rain stop? And then at the end of the day, string up my hammock in the rain and die of hypothermia? Or... turn back now and drive back home in the rain and... live.

I chose the latter. Obviously.

Although I didn't get to satisfy my true desires of relishing in the goodness of God's beautiful creation for the majority of my weekend, I still got to enjoy a four hour hike in the woods. Better then nothing.

Some day I will be a swift, hunter/gatherer living deep within the wooded lands of the north and I will pop out on occasion to get things like... toilet paper...

I can only dream for now.

Until then, cheers to the rains not finding you! ;)